INSPIRED

To be able to hear
the music in the wind

To be amazed
by a thought within

To see colors
in the darkness

To find meaning
in obtuseness

To soar
in the skies

To dream
without closing my eyes

To jump
and never fall

To stop
but never stall

To plan
to do everything

And yet be
amazed by nothing

To be not afraid
of a stumble or fall

To be prepared
to lose it all

To conquer the world
and not get tired

To feel all this
and be inspired!

My Blonde Moment

The story starts in a dimly lit and eerily quite class room. Dr. S.M. Sajid is trying to explain the Raman Amplifier and YES I do know what that is. It’s a….a….a…never mind! Across the class room, at the very back, I am dozing off…not as usual. Honestly, this is one class I try to pay attention in. But due to a plethora of reasons, foremost among them my hangover from an Aneeque Hassan Special Jhugat session from the previous night I am dozing off. Suddenly, Dr. S.M. Sajid is pointing in my general direction. I try to concentrate on the “doodle” on my copy but to no avail. “Not You!” he says to some over eager student. I belatedly look up casting a sheepish glance in his direction. “Haan Ji aap batain.” I have absolutely no idea what he is asking, so I try to look deep in thought while scanning the slide on display feverishly to get an idea as to what I am supposed to answer. All the while Dr. S.M. Sajid is advancing in my direction meancingly. He repeats the question, I am still clueless. Someone tries to answer, I relax for a split second…but… “Nobody answer! Let him answer!” He effortlessly destroys my faint ray of hope. He is still advancing and I am getting more confused by the minute. Darn, why did I have to sit alone today! Usually Mudi is pretty helpful with these pesky little questions! I think to myself. Dr. S.M. Sajid is 5 feet away from me know. I am trying to hold my own gamely. “Sir mein slide dekh loon!” He moves a little to the right so that I can see the slide but guess what, I am looking for Mudi or Aneeque or anyone to mouth the answer while Dr. S.M. Sajid trains his laser beam of a glare on me. Mudi is looking at me with his famous yet extremely unhelpful “pained” face. I want to scream; Can’t you see I am having a blonde moment here. Just mouth the answer and stop staring at me. But its too late. Dr. S.M. Sajid has arrived. He blocks my access to the world and as if not happy by that victory proceeds to decimate me with these words “This is a pretty simple question.” By now I know all is lost but I have figured out some part of the problem. I am supposed to choose between two numbers. How? That part is still a little sketchy. Dr. S.M. Sajid keeps staring at me. I mumble something that I had just read on the slide. “That’s not the question!” he bellows and proceeds to repeat the question. The humiliation seems to be descending on me in waves but I have to smile despite myself. Mudi is still looking at me with that doleful expression. I can feel the rest of the class focussing on me as well. Just mouth the damn answer you moron, I want to scream at Mudi before I proceed to strangle him! Alas that remains a fantasy and the reality is becoming grimmer by the moment. Dr. Sajid has graciously given me a few feet of space to breathe in and is saying something to the class; most probably about my brillaince but I am too busy looking at the screen and doing “inni minni maina mo…” between the two numbers. You see there is a 50% chance that I might get it right. Though most of the damage has been done I could stop this from turning into Total Annihilation. “25” I say. Bad…very bad…very very bad…baddest descision. Turns out “inni minni maina mo…” is not the best way to do maths after all. Dr. Sajid proceeds to rip to shreds any last vestiges of dignity that I was clinging on to. Now that its over one way or the other I look at the board and suddenly the world is right again. Everything makes perfect sense. I figure out he was asking me if -25 was bigger or -10. You already know my answer. I want to jump out the inviting window but somehow I manage to smile again. How did I get it wrong? Well as they say “I had a blonde moment.”

Questions

How do you measure happiness? How do you measure success? Is contentment the ultimate goal? Does creativity hurt at the end? What is depression? How to be honest with yourself? Am I being too hard on myself? Do I have an escapist attitude? Am I a slacker? Why don’t I have a dream? Did I ever have a dream? Am I impressionable? Have I wasted the last 4 years of my life? Was I punching above my weight? Is mediocrity the real me? Why am I caught in between? Where is the passion? Where is the dedication? How important is a support structure? Are these choices mine; would I choose differently now? How much control do I have? What can I change if anything? What should govern choices? How do you prioritize? What matters most? Do priorities change overtime or are they obscured? How important is creative freedom? How bad is failure? Do I start complying? Do I start screaming? What is failure? Are all justifications wrong? Was I different before? Was it luck? What was it? Does everything require a justification? Is ‘just because’ practical? Where does fantasy cross into lunacy? How do you find the line between reality and fantasy? Can you walk that line? Is it logical to walk that line? What is logic? Does it restrain? Does it set free? What is faith? What kind of power does it have? Is it enough; Should we search for something more? How many mistakes are we allowed? When does it become too late? Can you always turn back? What is an elitist attitude? Should you try to break barriers? Should you try to break moulds? Is it useless? What is an exception? What is an anomaly? Is winning everything? Does trying really matter? When are you allowed to give up? What do you chase after when there are no dreams? Should we ask questions? Does it help? Does it matter? 

Of courage and the two sides of a coin

I realize that it’s been some time since I wrote something that I really enjoyed reading afterwards. An essay or poem that when I read again, I went – wow – did I just write that? In fact I haven’t even written something that was appreciated by others if not me. There might be a multitude of reasons for this apparent “writer’s block”. Here I must digress for a disclaimer. I have never considered myself a proper writer so the phrase “writer’s block” is just that – a phrase. Anyways I might have figured out a reason or two for this lack of prowess.

The first reason is not really an original thought; it was inspired by ‘Dan Humphrey’ from GG. My best creations were sarcastic as hell. They played on the lives and actions of others. Simply put I stepped on a few people without much care to write those pieces. Now to my understanding there are two sides to this. First of all, those writings became popular and ‘critically acclaimed’ – if you would allow me to use the phrase – because of that very disregard for other people’s feelings. They had to take notice because I was writing about something or someone that was very near to them. The reality was the attractive factor though however twisted. The other side is that some people were really hurt because of what I wrote. Not for eternity or anything like that. But for that moment in time what I wrote was hurtful and important. Looking back I realize that in the bigger picture they were just blips but from experience I know that we have a very warped sense of reality. And in the world we create for ourselves from time to time, little blips do matter – a lot!

Moving on, the first reason for my barren run might be my unwillingness to step on people anymore. Here again there are two sides to the argument. My unwillingness might be attributed to a growing sense of compassion towards others but if I am being honest it can as easily be a product of cowardice. Going back to the previous example; during my hay days I wasn’t always the most well liked person around. Back then I could take it because I reveled in my status of a rebel. I could take all that was thrown my way because I had found my niche’ even if that was as a rebel – I still belonged. Now I am not so willing to expose others for the fear of getting exposed myself. Here again we must examine the ever present two sides of the coin. One side I have already discussed as cowardice. The other can as easily be related to wisdom and growing up. One thing is for sure; I do miss the exhilarating feeling of having written something that mattered; if only to a few people and that too within their small ‘fake’ reality. It was still enough to give me a high.

So, when you have exhausted others as a source of reality in your writings, you must turn to yourself. Here, we venture into the domain of the second problem. My personal life is just too…personal – for lack of a better word. In one sense this is related to the first reason. Now I am standing on the other side of the scenario. I don’t want to share these details with the world because it hurts too much to share. It is much easier to keep it to myself and deal with it than to have it presented to the world to dissect. I have written a lot about my life and some of it – in my opinion – is pretty powerful stuff but I am just not ready for a second opinion on it…

Here we must end this discussion. The choice as I see it at this moment in time is either I (man up)/ (become unwise) and start stepping on people and their egos again or I muster enough courage to share my life with others. That is the choice for the moment but like I said we often live in a warped reality of our own creation. Maybe this is mine…

In Defense of Orkut

As promised - something funny or at least I hope so -

A: Hi all!!!
Here is another exciting game but only ppl with brain can play it, so let's see who all play it.
Rules: All the words must finish with Y and the first must begin with the letter before Y.
Example: HAPPY - the next word must start with P and finish with Y....ok?

A: technology

B: GUY

A: unity

B: trinity

C: tiny
.
.
.

Ok before you get really confused let me explain what this is all about. This is the world of Orkut – the latest breakthrough in the evolution of man. The thread (if you don’t know the terminology of Orkut then I suggest you stop reading this.) from which I took this extract had around 3000 posts. So I am just showing you the tip of the ice-berg.

“Rate the person above you from 1-10”. This is the title of another topic. Let us take a look at the things that you can consult to make this judgment and this is in case you are thorough. Firstly, there is the picture which more often than not would be of
Brad Pitt
Harry Potter
John Abraham
Shahrukh Khan
OR
Ashuriya Rai
Angelina Jolie
Jennifer Aniston
OR
The picture would be saying:
This persons picture is too sexy to display
Only beautiful people can see my pic
Devil Inside

Ok! I think that’s enough about pictures. You get the picture, right! Let’s look at a few names that people use.
Sweet Girl
King Hamza
Ubaid – the lady killer

Most people rate on this information alone but if you really want to do it right you can open that persons profile for an in-depth look. You are more than likely to find something to this effect.

About me: ma frnds knw me bettr

Movies: Asu billa chor ni

Website: www.dontneedthisshit.com

Go on, now you know everything, you can rate the person above you. Anyways Orkut is not just about pictures and profiles; let’s look at some other stuff. You are now inside my scrap book. Yes, Yes, I am on Orkut and have no intention to leave.

Qasim: I have taken part in the “Kings and Queens of Orkut” contest. Be a friend and vote for me.

Needless to say that I am not a member of the community where this contest is being held and have absolutely no idea who Qasim is.

Faisal: Please become my fan. I am in a race with my friend and the first one to 50 fans wins.

HDD: Today is the universal friendship day. Pass this message to 12 friends and your wish will come true within 12 hours. Otherwise you will have bad luck for the next 12 months.

I received this message from different people at least 15 times in a week so I quite lost track of the universal friendship day. Calculating according to this and other such messages, the amount of bad luck I have accumulated will last me around two lifetimes and I should be receiving a bad news on an hourly basis!

If you are still wondering why this article was titled “In Defense of Orkut” then I am a little disappointed. Anyways for those of you who have to be given everything on a platter. Everything I wrote so far has very little to do with Orkut. It was in effect a commentary on where we are going with our lives. It was an outlook on the sorry state of affairs in our country. All the things I mentioned are more reflective of the ‘values’ and ‘priorities’ of our society. “Pathetic” would be an understatement. Honestly, what do you expect from a nation whose youth is living in the false bliss of alter ego’s.

Finally, I love orkut. It was my only respite in a claustrophobic place called FAST until they banned it!

Fear

We live in a society that is gripped by fear at its lowest levels. We don’t give a shit about what’s right and what’s wrong. Neither are we subject to the laws of morality. All our lives and all our choices are affected by fear, one way or another; literally or figuratively.

Let’s look at the literal side for the moment. Foremost here is the fear of someone stronger than you. Fear of standing up to the common norms of the society though we know them to be completely wrong. Fear of taking a stand and fear of living other than as told.

Let’s flip the coin. What do we get; the fear of losing, the fear of rejection, the fear of living without some kind of backing or support, the fear of our own inadequacy.

What’s the point of making a choice I ask? When that choice has nothing to do with what you see, feel or think. It’s not even governed by what you believe. It is only dependant upon the all encompassing fear. Then we have the nerve to shout about the travesty of it all. When our own actions are doing nothing to change it then what gives us the right to shout!

The irony of it all is when someone else’s choices start to govern our lives and to impede upon our miserable existence; we look for compassion. We squeal and squirm and plead and cajole. We cry and laugh and shout and reason. Then we fall – defeated – failed by our own convictions, appalled at the fact that the choices that destroyed us were made while giving in to fear and were not dependant upon reason or any other more useful human sentiment.

Is it really that surprising or even appalling for that matter. Isn’t this what we ourselves did all our lives. Now that we have lost everything and have nothing to fear, now that we have regained our senses; we may see things differently but that’s no reason to complain. Isn’t this what we deserved all along? I leave you to judge by yourself albeit with a quote.

“Life is simple. You make choices and you don’t look back!”

P.S. I wrote this a long time ago when I was really angry. I feel its now time to share it.

Question Answer

Answers! The search for them. Confusion, because you are searching for answers to questions that you cant quite grasp. You cannot put the question in words and the combined effect of neither knowing the question nor finding the answer is devastating.

You sometimes wonder if you are chasing shadows and whether there exists such a question to which you are trying to find an answer. But there is a belief in you that the question exists and that when you find the answer you will somehow know that your search is over and you will be able to grasp the question.

So one has to wonder if the search is for the question or the answer. The search for the answer can be explained by the curious nature of man but what if we are indeed looking for the question. Why would we need a question?

My understanding is that answers tend to oversimplify things. Questions however are much more profound. They carry a wealth of wisdom inside them. Maybe that is why we need the ultimate question; a question that encompasses in itself the length and breadth of wisdom.

It is often said that to get the right answer, you need to ask the correct question. Maybe this search is for the correct question. Of course an answer will lead us to that question but the question itself would lead to many more answers. The question would be so complete that it would solve all our problems and fill in all the empty spaces; shed light on all the dark spots and remove all ambiguity. All mysteries will be solved; all curtains lifted.

So what happens until we find the question or the answer? There is this deep dissatisfaction. Again, you can’t quite put your finger on it but you feel it floating around in your subconscious – just – out of reach. There is an emptiness that you need to fill and this need drives you into the mad search.

My problem is different, I found the answer. It did not lead me to the question but it did fill the emptiness. Bu then I went in search of something more and in this search I lost the answer. Not the answer itself, I had the words with me but the meaning was lost. I wandered the depths of despair, I scaled the heights of ecstasy but that empty feeling did not leave me but for a few moments. So I did return to the original answer – eventually.

What is the answer? Unfortunately it’s not a set of words that combine together to give meaning but a feeling, a realization and a belief. And this realization is the culmination of a journey; a journey you must undertake yourself!