Of courage and the two sides of a coin

I realize that it’s been some time since I wrote something that I really enjoyed reading afterwards. An essay or poem that when I read again, I went – wow – did I just write that? In fact I haven’t even written something that was appreciated by others if not me. There might be a multitude of reasons for this apparent “writer’s block”. Here I must digress for a disclaimer. I have never considered myself a proper writer so the phrase “writer’s block” is just that – a phrase. Anyways I might have figured out a reason or two for this lack of prowess.

The first reason is not really an original thought; it was inspired by ‘Dan Humphrey’ from GG. My best creations were sarcastic as hell. They played on the lives and actions of others. Simply put I stepped on a few people without much care to write those pieces. Now to my understanding there are two sides to this. First of all, those writings became popular and ‘critically acclaimed’ – if you would allow me to use the phrase – because of that very disregard for other people’s feelings. They had to take notice because I was writing about something or someone that was very near to them. The reality was the attractive factor though however twisted. The other side is that some people were really hurt because of what I wrote. Not for eternity or anything like that. But for that moment in time what I wrote was hurtful and important. Looking back I realize that in the bigger picture they were just blips but from experience I know that we have a very warped sense of reality. And in the world we create for ourselves from time to time, little blips do matter – a lot!

Moving on, the first reason for my barren run might be my unwillingness to step on people anymore. Here again there are two sides to the argument. My unwillingness might be attributed to a growing sense of compassion towards others but if I am being honest it can as easily be a product of cowardice. Going back to the previous example; during my hay days I wasn’t always the most well liked person around. Back then I could take it because I reveled in my status of a rebel. I could take all that was thrown my way because I had found my niche’ even if that was as a rebel – I still belonged. Now I am not so willing to expose others for the fear of getting exposed myself. Here again we must examine the ever present two sides of the coin. One side I have already discussed as cowardice. The other can as easily be related to wisdom and growing up. One thing is for sure; I do miss the exhilarating feeling of having written something that mattered; if only to a few people and that too within their small ‘fake’ reality. It was still enough to give me a high.

So, when you have exhausted others as a source of reality in your writings, you must turn to yourself. Here, we venture into the domain of the second problem. My personal life is just too…personal – for lack of a better word. In one sense this is related to the first reason. Now I am standing on the other side of the scenario. I don’t want to share these details with the world because it hurts too much to share. It is much easier to keep it to myself and deal with it than to have it presented to the world to dissect. I have written a lot about my life and some of it – in my opinion – is pretty powerful stuff but I am just not ready for a second opinion on it…

Here we must end this discussion. The choice as I see it at this moment in time is either I (man up)/ (become unwise) and start stepping on people and their egos again or I muster enough courage to share my life with others. That is the choice for the moment but like I said we often live in a warped reality of our own creation. Maybe this is mine…

In Defense of Orkut

As promised - something funny or at least I hope so -

A: Hi all!!!
Here is another exciting game but only ppl with brain can play it, so let's see who all play it.
Rules: All the words must finish with Y and the first must begin with the letter before Y.
Example: HAPPY - the next word must start with P and finish with Y....ok?

A: technology

B: GUY

A: unity

B: trinity

C: tiny
.
.
.

Ok before you get really confused let me explain what this is all about. This is the world of Orkut – the latest breakthrough in the evolution of man. The thread (if you don’t know the terminology of Orkut then I suggest you stop reading this.) from which I took this extract had around 3000 posts. So I am just showing you the tip of the ice-berg.

“Rate the person above you from 1-10”. This is the title of another topic. Let us take a look at the things that you can consult to make this judgment and this is in case you are thorough. Firstly, there is the picture which more often than not would be of
Brad Pitt
Harry Potter
John Abraham
Shahrukh Khan
OR
Ashuriya Rai
Angelina Jolie
Jennifer Aniston
OR
The picture would be saying:
This persons picture is too sexy to display
Only beautiful people can see my pic
Devil Inside

Ok! I think that’s enough about pictures. You get the picture, right! Let’s look at a few names that people use.
Sweet Girl
King Hamza
Ubaid – the lady killer

Most people rate on this information alone but if you really want to do it right you can open that persons profile for an in-depth look. You are more than likely to find something to this effect.

About me: ma frnds knw me bettr

Movies: Asu billa chor ni

Website: www.dontneedthisshit.com

Go on, now you know everything, you can rate the person above you. Anyways Orkut is not just about pictures and profiles; let’s look at some other stuff. You are now inside my scrap book. Yes, Yes, I am on Orkut and have no intention to leave.

Qasim: I have taken part in the “Kings and Queens of Orkut” contest. Be a friend and vote for me.

Needless to say that I am not a member of the community where this contest is being held and have absolutely no idea who Qasim is.

Faisal: Please become my fan. I am in a race with my friend and the first one to 50 fans wins.

HDD: Today is the universal friendship day. Pass this message to 12 friends and your wish will come true within 12 hours. Otherwise you will have bad luck for the next 12 months.

I received this message from different people at least 15 times in a week so I quite lost track of the universal friendship day. Calculating according to this and other such messages, the amount of bad luck I have accumulated will last me around two lifetimes and I should be receiving a bad news on an hourly basis!

If you are still wondering why this article was titled “In Defense of Orkut” then I am a little disappointed. Anyways for those of you who have to be given everything on a platter. Everything I wrote so far has very little to do with Orkut. It was in effect a commentary on where we are going with our lives. It was an outlook on the sorry state of affairs in our country. All the things I mentioned are more reflective of the ‘values’ and ‘priorities’ of our society. “Pathetic” would be an understatement. Honestly, what do you expect from a nation whose youth is living in the false bliss of alter ego’s.

Finally, I love orkut. It was my only respite in a claustrophobic place called FAST until they banned it!

Fear

We live in a society that is gripped by fear at its lowest levels. We don’t give a shit about what’s right and what’s wrong. Neither are we subject to the laws of morality. All our lives and all our choices are affected by fear, one way or another; literally or figuratively.

Let’s look at the literal side for the moment. Foremost here is the fear of someone stronger than you. Fear of standing up to the common norms of the society though we know them to be completely wrong. Fear of taking a stand and fear of living other than as told.

Let’s flip the coin. What do we get; the fear of losing, the fear of rejection, the fear of living without some kind of backing or support, the fear of our own inadequacy.

What’s the point of making a choice I ask? When that choice has nothing to do with what you see, feel or think. It’s not even governed by what you believe. It is only dependant upon the all encompassing fear. Then we have the nerve to shout about the travesty of it all. When our own actions are doing nothing to change it then what gives us the right to shout!

The irony of it all is when someone else’s choices start to govern our lives and to impede upon our miserable existence; we look for compassion. We squeal and squirm and plead and cajole. We cry and laugh and shout and reason. Then we fall – defeated – failed by our own convictions, appalled at the fact that the choices that destroyed us were made while giving in to fear and were not dependant upon reason or any other more useful human sentiment.

Is it really that surprising or even appalling for that matter. Isn’t this what we ourselves did all our lives. Now that we have lost everything and have nothing to fear, now that we have regained our senses; we may see things differently but that’s no reason to complain. Isn’t this what we deserved all along? I leave you to judge by yourself albeit with a quote.

“Life is simple. You make choices and you don’t look back!”

P.S. I wrote this a long time ago when I was really angry. I feel its now time to share it.

Question Answer

Answers! The search for them. Confusion, because you are searching for answers to questions that you cant quite grasp. You cannot put the question in words and the combined effect of neither knowing the question nor finding the answer is devastating.

You sometimes wonder if you are chasing shadows and whether there exists such a question to which you are trying to find an answer. But there is a belief in you that the question exists and that when you find the answer you will somehow know that your search is over and you will be able to grasp the question.

So one has to wonder if the search is for the question or the answer. The search for the answer can be explained by the curious nature of man but what if we are indeed looking for the question. Why would we need a question?

My understanding is that answers tend to oversimplify things. Questions however are much more profound. They carry a wealth of wisdom inside them. Maybe that is why we need the ultimate question; a question that encompasses in itself the length and breadth of wisdom.

It is often said that to get the right answer, you need to ask the correct question. Maybe this search is for the correct question. Of course an answer will lead us to that question but the question itself would lead to many more answers. The question would be so complete that it would solve all our problems and fill in all the empty spaces; shed light on all the dark spots and remove all ambiguity. All mysteries will be solved; all curtains lifted.

So what happens until we find the question or the answer? There is this deep dissatisfaction. Again, you can’t quite put your finger on it but you feel it floating around in your subconscious – just – out of reach. There is an emptiness that you need to fill and this need drives you into the mad search.

My problem is different, I found the answer. It did not lead me to the question but it did fill the emptiness. Bu then I went in search of something more and in this search I lost the answer. Not the answer itself, I had the words with me but the meaning was lost. I wandered the depths of despair, I scaled the heights of ecstasy but that empty feeling did not leave me but for a few moments. So I did return to the original answer – eventually.

What is the answer? Unfortunately it’s not a set of words that combine together to give meaning but a feeling, a realization and a belief. And this realization is the culmination of a journey; a journey you must undertake yourself!

Free

Mr. Lessig Lawrence has very aptly titled the first chapter of his book 'The Future of Ideas' - Free. In this chapter he goes on to explore the 'ideal' and definition behind free and very systematically walks us through a quagmire of ideas to reach this goal. He begins with a very simple but vivid example to put everything into context. Imagine a world where you have to get everything that you put into a movie cleared. From the painting hanging on the wall to the design of the chair a character sits on. Oh - wait! Don't imagine. This is how the film industry works. The laws that govern the film industry seem absurd and Mr. Lessig argues rightly in my opinion that they are so. He quotes Davis Guggenheim ( a film director) in this reagrd.

"You are totally free to make a movie in an empty room, with your two friends."

In a world with this much control it is impossible to express your creativity and in essence what a director would create would be artificial and stifled. The ability to portray the world in its real form is taken away which is absurd whichever way you may look at it.

The author then discusses two kind of ideas. Firstly, there are ideas that are being argued about. Secondly and more importantly are ideas that are taken for granted. With the latter ideas, lies all the power because the society does not deem it necessary to challenge them or have a second look at them. Mr. Lessig points out that sometimes these 'taken for granted' ideas are very dangerous because they create a sort of blindness in the society. We are so accustomed to these ideas being absolute that we not only stop paying attention to them but also to their effects on the society. What happens if these effects are detrimental? Nothing because of our blindness. The author wants us to look at one such blind spot and challenge it. He wants to sow a seed of doubt so that the absolute no longer remains absolute.

Mr. Lessig goes on to list a few constraints on creativity, chief among them are the copyright laws that seem to now govern everything. Here he defines creativity and in my opinion this definition is very important to the whole discussion. "To take something old and to create something ever so slightly new." He goes on to question the idea of creating something completely new because after all you are drawing on something old whether you know it or not. There are some technical constraints such as distance between people, the availability of all the people at the same place at the same time. The cost of hiring people to perform tasks such as an orchestra to play music.

According to Lessig consumer signifies someone who is passive - a couch potato. In my opinion blog writers, digital artists and music mixers are not consumers of Internet services because a consumer only consumes. These people however are doing what society has done for years. They take an idea, reform it and then publish it and according to Mr. Lessig that is how our culture forms and improves. Keeping in mind this definition I believe its pretty clear that these people cannot be categorized as strictly 'consumers'.

Lessig then tells us that the struggle of the previous century was 'how' to regulate resources. The capitalists thought that the market was the best way to do it and the socialists thought that the government should have control over resources. That struggle has pretty much come to the conclusion that market is the better way to go. However, the question of our generation comes before that. Our question is that whether a resource should be regulated or not. In other words should a resource be free or otherwise.

What is a free resource? Here you understand why all the previous discussion was central to this debate. Here is the blind spot. Here is the ' taken for granted' idea that Lessig talked about in the beginning. The idea that control is good. This is why if I say something is free, people think a price is being quoted. The problem is that 'free' has a more basic and infinitely more important meaning. Take for example - free speech. No price is central to free speech. A resource is free if it can be used without permission or if the permission is granted neutrally.

Now we must explore why the dependence of how access is granted to a resource upon how the resource is produced is absurd. The roads we drive upon are a very good example. We pay a road tax but it has nothing to do with how the road was constructed. Its quite clear that this is the right way to go about things. It would be idiotic to charge for roads according to their production. We realize now that when the situation dictates, we should sensibly keep resource production and resource access independent of each other.

Important to note is the fact that not all resources can be made free because some resources would not be sustainable if they were made free. If theater's were not allowed to charge for showing movies then there would be no incentive for directors to put their creativity onto the big screen. Therefore, for creativity to flow the main thing is to sensibly choose which resources need to be controlled and which resources should be free. The question of our generation - whether a resource should be free or not?

Internet was supposed to bring freedom to the world and for a while it did so, but look closely and we realize that the internet only presents the 'illusion' of freedom these days. Increasingly, everything is being charged for and the freedom that internet promised is being curtailed. As Lessig explains about AOL, they are giving you many many ways to choose between many many things. So only your options have increased. This is not the freedom that internet was destined for, in fact its not freedom at all. This is a perfect example of the old bending the net to protect itself against the new. If everything became free, what would AOL charge its customers for, so they very cleverly package information and tailor it to your needs, then they charge you to access it. If internet is allowed to go its own way then you will not be needing AOL to tailor information to your needs, internet will take care of that itself.

Recognise The Choice

Sometimes - maybe most of the time we are unaware of the fact that we have a choice to make. By we I am referring to myself (a twenty year old with a teenage hangover) and to teenagers as well.

Somethings are so bred in society that the choice can no longer be discerned from the mess. We are just gradually and slowly nudged in one direction and are never aware that there was another direction which we could have taken. In short the choice - even to make a choice - is taken away from us. A child is born and the next 60 years of his/her life are already planned. We grow up and we don't even realise that the dreams we are chasing are not even our own. It is perfectly normal to give up your dreams for the greater good or whatever but to not have a choice and to not know that you could have chosen otherwise is criminal.

The problem occurs when right in the middle of your life you realise you don't like what you are doing, when you somehow figure out the grand hoax that you called 'your dream'. Suddenly you have to make choices and then it crashes down on you with stupendous force that your life has flown by and you weren't even given a chance to try and steer its course.

There is this fixed path to happiness and success and despite loads of evidence to the contrary, we are unwilling to afford ourselves the luxury to choose or at least recognise that there is supposed to be a choice here!

And its not only about success. Its about learning to make a choice. however, we are exposed to the world of choices too late. We are thrown in at the deep end and we don't even know what water is - much less how to swim and save ourselves.

At the end all of this fades when compared to the longing:
"I wish I knew that I had a choice!"

You yearn to make a wrong choice and learn from it but ALAS! When you finally realise that you have a choice - you don't really have one.

Explaining the title - "bieng twenty-een"

So I guess its best if I explain this particular 'weird' phenomena as well before people write me off as a nut job. First off lets get the pronunciation out of the way. Its easy really. You say eighteen, nineteen and instead of saying twenty, you say twenteen. And that basically is the whole concept behind it - the teenage. Does becoming twenty at once catapult you from an angry kid to a mature adult? The more important question here I guess is - should it? I mean after all you spent 19 years of your life being irresponsible and now suddenly you have to be responsible.

I guess the problem is that your excuse has been taken away. Now you can be taunted with the torturous phrase - you are not a kid anymore or you are no longer a teenager or the really sad one; Grow up and start taking responsibility. But the feelings and the ideas you had formed about life are not that easy to let go off. Its the age when you begin to realize whether you are on the right path or whether you have made the biggest mistake of your life. Take me for example, I am trying to become an engineer and I realize now that its not really going to work one way or the other. I think I should have become an architect - maybe I would have failed that too - maybe university just isn't the place where I was supposed to be. Anyways coming back to the point - which I have quite lost track off - what does being twenty entail.

Suddenly, expectations start weighing you down and you realize that the carefree days are gone. Problem is you don't want to let go. So I guess this is all about not wanting to or not being able to let go of your teenage and this blog will document my thoughts as I traverse through the twentieth year of my life and as you will or would have recognized by now; my thoughts are not much different from those of a nineteen year old. After all if you look logically at it - the difference is only of a few seconds. This side of midnight you are a crazy nineteen year old so how can the passing of a few seconds just whisk away all that and leave you a very level headed twenty year old. This is what I like to call - "being twenteen" - you are welcome to call it crazy - seriously I don't mind!