Human

I have not written in a while. 5 years to be exact. I wonder if its a good thing or bad. As a teenager I thought age will bring clarity with it instead my thoughts are as muddled as ever. I don’t even know why I stopped. I have wanted to write from time to time but never quite gotten around to it. Perhaps it was a lack of courage. Perhaps it was an acceptance of not being good enough. Perhaps it was the realization of the futility of it all. Maybe it was just life itself; brutal, unforgiving, relentless.

The world is so heartbreaking right now. I do not remember it being this way when I was young but that could just be ignorance on my part. Maybe it was always this way. I did not witness the World Wars so my judgement might be completely incorrect. It could just be all the data that is so readily available through internet and social media; shining a bright light on the underbelly of the World.

There is the pace of it all as well; furious. No time to catch your breath. Social media does point a light but that light shifts so rapidly. There is no time to grieve. Everyone is looking for a narrative or to hijack a narrative; telling us when to grieve, how much to grieve, reminding us that we forgot to grieve, blaming us for grieving.

Then there is happiness. No time to savor it either. A facebook feed is a microcosm of it. In the same 5 minute scroll, 50 people died, a friend got married, a friend lost a newborn, someone got a promotion, a scandal was uncovered, a new charity initiative has been started. Should I put a sad smiley, say congrats, say I am sorry, do a wow smiley, do an angry smiley, give a thumbs up and move on? Should I do nothing at all? If I pick and choose - does that make me a bad person? 

Most importantly what should I feel doing all of that? There is no time to hold onto a feeling. No time to let it wash over you, to explore it, make sense of it. One does become desensitized to some degree, I know I have. Somewhere along the line a bomb explosion in Pakistan went from shocking to sad. How do you fight against it? What about the little matter of life itself? The splitting headache, the bill that is due at the end of the month, the promotion you just got, the joy of holding your child in your arms and witnessing the most pure smile in the world. Is it OK to get swept up in all of it? Can you manage all of it and achieve some semblance of balance? Should you be searching for balance anyway?

If we can still feel sometimes. If we can keep some level of perspective. If we still care, however little. If we can occasionally rise above our biases, however briefly. If at the end we have some humanity left. Perhaps that is OK. Might I suggest the survival of one’s conscience as a worthy goal to aspire to right now. 

If we can stop just before - I don’t care anymore. If we can bring some measure of happiness to our families and within our circle of influence, if we can still be polite and respectful, if we can listen to an opposing point of view and remain civil. If we can laugh at morons and avoid becoming one. If we can be human…

Naya Pakistan

Today is 12^th May 2013. Pakistan voted yesterday but more importantly Pakistan cared yesterday. I am now 26 years old and I have seen an Army dictator, a PPP government corrupt, beyond belief and Allah willing I am about to witness a PML N government with a pretty heavy mandate. I am not a very political person and I do not like debates. I did not post a single political message on my Facebook before today. I did not comment on or like a single political message on Facebook before today. I did go to vote and have been debating whether to write this since this morning.

I was undecided who to vote for even till the morning of the elections. I was oscillating between PTI and PML N. I do not wish to go into the reasons but lets just say I am not an inherently ‘jazbati’ person and I do not expect angels out of politicians and I respect the right of people to change their views over time, mature and learn from their mistakes. I do not see things in black and white and I like personal experience to dictate my choices whatever that may entail.

So to sum up my political views; I do not like Pervaiz Musharraf but I do not hate the man either. Compare him to the last PPP government and he starts to look pretty decent. However, the way he came into power was simply unacceptable and if he is hanged to make an example out of him I will not be too sad. I hate PPP and I hope they are completely wiped out of the country. As you can see a pretty balanced set of values I have there.

By now you are curious whom I voted for. I stumped for the BAT. Not because I was swept away by the tsunami but because Hamid Khan the PTI candidate is a much more decent man than Saad Rafique. But my choice was only slightly tilted towards PTI because I was genuinely afraid that voting for PTI would cause a clean split between the 3 parties and PPP will somehow maneuver itself back into the government. Boy was I glad that I voted for PTI because what happened next was just sickening.

Lets start at the beginning. I went to vote around 9:30 with my younger brother who was all giddy at the thought of change and Naya Pakistan and who was going to vote for the first time. We had no problem voting and were in and out in the sum total of 15 minutes and that too because he was very careful with his stamp and gave it a good minute and a half to dry so that it would not smudge and make his vote void. Five people from my house voted for PTI and my personal (eye-witness) experience was that at my polling station PTI was winning 80-20. I went to the polling station again around 12 with my friend and we found out that (visibly) PTI supporters were having issues entering the polling station. We stayed for 15 minutes and it was clear that something weird was happening because a lot of unhappy people were outside and PTI workers were trying to sort something out. One conversation I overheard myself from a PTI worker on the phone was “Sir kuch karein, Families vote dalay beghair wapis ja rahi hain” meaning “Sir, Please do something. Families are going back without casting their votes.” Another bystander narrated his story to my friend and me personally that he had been shuttling between two polling stations all morning and still been unable to cast his vote despite the official ECP message saying his vote was registered at my polling station. Anyways we left there and went to Z block defense just to experience the atmosphere somewhere else. Again the over riding feeling was that PTI supporters were outnumbering others about 70-30. Keep in mind that the supporters not visibly PTI could also be voting for PTI.

I went for asr prayers to my Mosque at 5:15 p.m. The Mosque is right opposite the polling station (Al-Munir Education Center). I came out around 5:30 p.m. and there was a huge commotion because despite repeated requests from the public the polling station had been closed. I knew from the news at home that polling time had been extended to 6 p.m. across Pakistan. While I stood there PTI supporters came with police officers and the gate was opened. I was still standing there when PML N supporters came with Muhafiz force and the polling station was tried to close again. I left and did not witness what happened next but I should venture that at least 30 minutes were wasted during all of this and a number of people left without voting.

Later at home news started coming in that Saad Rafique was involved in a huge incident at another polling station (S Block). That is the point where I felt relieved because I would have been gutted had I voted for a man with such behavior. I am certain that there was extreme rigging in NA 125 because I witnessed it personally. I do not wish to comment on others but here it is true. What really set by blood boiling was Saad Rafique on live television calm and serene denying everything with a face so straight you wouldn’t believe. I hope he is disqualified and he never runs in an election again but his confidence on live TV was tantamount to taunting as if he was saying. “Here I am. What can you do?”

I should add here that all of PML N is not Saad Rafique and to judge them on a single persons behavior would be unwise but I am not a supporter any more. The only way they get their respect back from me is if Saad Rafique and anyone else who is found to be involved with rigging is thrown out of the party. I can already hear the Jiyalas saying all of PML N would be thrown out that way but I have to respectfully disagree. A few sane PTI followers have pointed out that PTI did not expect to win from Sialkot, Gujranwala etc which means, that PML N still enjoys a heavy public mandate. Lets say they rigged 10 seats and all of them go to PTI. Doesn’t really change anything to be honest. In fact I’d rather that PML N has no excuses come next elections because like I said I am not a tsunami believer but I did see PPP completely disowned even by the jiayalas after their 5 year performance so there is hope and a lot of it. This is national politics; it cannot proceed at the speed of a 20-20 match.

For an hour or so I did lose hope. People like Saad Rafique can get away with anything? Is this the country we live in? But there is a protest going on in Defense, Lahore as we speak. The youth of this country is alive now. The only thing I wish to emphasize is that the revolution has started and if we stay the course a new Pakistan will emerge but if the dirty politicians outlast us and we go back to our online gaming and facebook then we have no one but ourselves to blame.

And the change should not be limited to politics and dancing on streets and blaring loud songs out of the back of your car. If you still cheat in your next exam then you do not believe in the Naya Pakistan. If you still violate the traffic signals then you do not believe in the Naya Pakistan. If you abuse Punjabis because they did not vote for PTI then you do not believe in the Naya Pakistan. Imran Khan has given us hope and given us a vision. That vision should not be limited to the corridors of politics and our speeches. That vision should have a physical manifestation in our lives because we are the next generation and if we stay the course and really believe in change then the corrupt polling officer will retire and the corrupt politician will pass on but we will still be here and we will make it happen.

So stop the judgment and the abuse and stop believing that anyone who did not vote for PTI is not smart enough. I know reasonable and well-educated people who voted for PML N. I almost voted for PML N. KPK voted for PTI so lets just burn the education argument right there. But like I said I tend to learn from my own experiences and so do other people. Let us see what PML N brings to the table and let us genuinely pray that they take the country in a positive direction. After PPP I do not think that is a very difficult task. It’s not all black and white. Change is already here because they were scared and they know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if they mess this up we have an alternative ready to take over.

PTI is the second most popular party in the country. It is a truly national party and it went toe to toe with MQM in Karachi. I must admit that was one of my major differences with Khan that he did not say anything to MQM but actions, speak louder than words. I do not believe that PTI is perfect and anyone who does will eventually be disappointed but I do believe that they now offer the best future to our country.

Imran Khan is not going anywhere and lets make sure that neither are we. Lets not sling mud and wallow. Lets start campaigning from today so that the next time elections come around we have that many more votes. I for my part will tell anyone who would listen that Saad Rafique is a thug and a low life and I am proud that I did not vote for him.

And yes if I suddenly disappear then it was still MQM :D

Decisions and Failure

Decisions are scary. Even more so if your convictions are not that strong. I sometimes envy people who block out the world when making decisions and only think about themselves. Granted that being so self-centered might not be the best way to live life but it cuts through such huge amounts of bull shit that you almost start to think that it’s worth it. The absolute clarity one must have if there is only one variable to consider in every decision – Priceless!

Unfortunately, I am not wired that way. I tend to bring the whole universe under consideration while making decisions which leads to a very unpleasant milkshake of my brain. What I am slowly starting to learn is that you have to decide your priorities. Expectations are bound to collide and there are only so many points of view you can factor into your decisions so you have to let go of everything else. Caring, is a privilege that should not be offered to every Tom, Dick and Harry. It’s OK to be nice but not at the expense of personal happiness.

And when you have almost convinced yourself to put your personal happiness near the top of your priorities, the specter of failure rears its ugly head. Again failure is a curious phenomenon. On the one hand it can be an important ingredient of success and on the other it can be the biggest blocker to innovation and experimentation. 

From a personal point of view, failure made me realize that things can go wrong – horribly at times. You lose the feeling of invincibility and some teenage enthusiasm. The important thing is to not stay down but learn, adjust and experiment – wishful thinking. In the real world, without a security net you eventually lose the spark and compromise.

I might end up living a compromise – you never know. Talking (rather writing) is easy. Actually picking yourself up after every failure is much more difficult; even more scary – to keep taking risks in the face of self-doubt and failure. 

But I say to myself not yet – I can still take a little more! A few more failures, a few more bruises, a few more face down falls in the mud. Until I have exhausted the last iota of belief in my convictions I will keep looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. Here’s to learning from your mistakes and for me in particular not involving the whole universe while making decisions AND giving room to personal happiness somewhere in the decision making process.

The fight for a smile

The fight for a smile

The fight of his life

The struggle for happiness

The struggle infinite

The search for serenity

The search of a fool

On a black night

In an empty world

On a winding road

A mad man alone

In the wrong time

Among related strangers

Trying to protect

A fool’s hope

With no clue

And a forsaken belief

In the shades of grey

Looking for black or white

In shifting sands

With a dying wish

A life flashes

Through empty eyes

No smile

No happiness

Infinity beckons

The wandering fool

The line that divides

They always talk about lines that divide; about fine margins that differentiate. Genius and madness, ambition and stupidity, success and failure . . .

Most of us have encountered those situations where we feel the presence of such lines, taunting us to really test their limits or forever wonder – “what if”. Most of us choose to forever wonder because we lack the finesse to really define the line, to actually see it and thus we are afraid of crossing over.

That is the catch to be honest, you have to risk it. You have to risk madness to achieve genius, risk failure to be successful but there is a catch inside the catch. Some people cross so far over, so many times that you cannot call it anything other than stupidity. To top it all off they fail and fail miserably but they get up, dust themselves down and do it all over again chalking all previous failures to bad luck or someone else.

They never see the line and maybe never even feel its presence but through some misjudged notion of bravado they want to test its limits. The problem is you cannot really test the limits if you haven’t the slightest idea where the line is. And when you have to fall with these ‘perennial optimists’, every damn time it really irks. You can see it coming a million miles away but through the machinations of fate or fear of failure you are not in charge and all that is left to be done is to brace for impact.

Now for the real question, do you choose to go your own separate way or do you keep crashing with someone else. If you choose to leave then you are back to the first problem – risk failure for success. It’s all on you, no one else to take the blame; nowhere to hide with the whole world watching.

See the good thing about crashing because of someone else is that you never have to bear scrutiny. It is never your fault. No one will judge you – ah – the real reason we are afraid of pushing the limits – judgment. Very few of us are immune to what others think. There is always someone whose approval matters. Someone we want to take notice. As Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson

“That's the problem with genius, John. It needs an audience.”

But with that audience, comes the possibility of judgment and not just any kind of judgment – en masse judgment. So not only do you have to be prepared for failure itself, you have to be prepared to wear the tag as well and that tag more than anything else is what makes us stop way over on the safe side of the line. We choose to spend a life in anonymity rather than risk ridicule. You have to risk it, there is no other way.

Life

It is such a weird race, we lose ourselves in it only to realize that we were dancing amongst smoke and mirrors, we were celebrating insignificance – it is life! Better men have tried to capture its fleeting nature and its flimsy promises, I am just writing because I feel like it.

We have even tried to master it, to bend it to our will but the best of us have failed. Some of our fantasies revolve around making it last longer but invariably these fantasies also include warnings about the monotony of having no end. I have no real thoughts on the matter to be honest; its finite – deal with it.

But how do you deal with life? It is so peculiar, so intriguing and so frivolous. Just when you feel you have something concrete – whoosh – it is gone leaving you wondering. Did I ever truly get hold of it? Was it a mirage? The speed at which it moves does not really leave room for a detailed inspection. Things, events and people gain and lose meaning at an alarming rate. Dreams fade, reappear and become pointless in the space of a few breaths. Ambitions are lost in small fleeting moments.

You never really get used to it, it always feels like there is a little more time until there isn’t and you have reached the full stop of the last paragraph of your life. There is no more writing after that. Speaking of writing you can never rewrite stuff. It is all one way traffic leading to the same conclusion albeit from different paths. To be frank you hardly ever read it either because even when science says the end is near we keep searching for that one last step.

Life also offers you a plethora of perspectives and it is alarming when you start to witness and feel things that you swore you would never accept or acknowledge. I guess it is one of the many ways in which life tries to humble you and warn you. Things change and if you are not holding on to something tightly or if your choice of support is not strong enough then there is no telling where you will end up when the winds let up for a bit and if you don’t pay heed to the warning and improve your choices then each successive punch will be worse than the last until you have no more strength to fight or to stand even.

Life can be subtle, it can be brutal – it can delight you, it can destroy you. It will offer you hope then snatch it. It will almost kill you but then leave you with that faint ray of light. Life can indulge you and it can be cruel but ultimately life will always end and that is the only important thing in my opinion. To stand a chance against life, to be able to take it all on the chin and still grin, to ride the vagaries of its mood you must always keep one thing in sight, The End.

100 miles an hour

100 miles an hour, you are speeding along a road. The road goes nowhere; in fact it ends at the edge of a cliff. You compose yourself, adjust your foot on the pedal and continue. It’s not that you don’t know what’s about to come. You are as sure about the cliff as you are about day following night. It’s not a suicide attempt either. It’s just life and although it might seem that you are in control, you are not. It’s your car and it’s your foot on the pedal but that is just an illusion.

You have to fall; you need to fall because you need to move forward. There was a time when you had choices and other roads to travel but now there is just this one road; a road that ends at the precipice of a cliff. You look in the back view mirror but just to adjust your muffler. There is no point looking back now – it’s weirdly bland. You roll down the window to be greeted by the cold icy blast of the winter wind. You see your breath precipitating around you, for a split moment you forget everything. The car lurches, you hold the wheel tightly, role up the window and floor the pedal. Any minute now – there will be the familiar sinking feeling of falling freely . . .

You close your eyes as you navigate the last turn and the edge becomes visible on the horizon. You remember the first time you went cliff diving. It’s a very similar feeling – you have decided to jump but there is still that last bit of hesitancy so you close your eyes and leap. People stare at you in awe and despair, inspired by your courage but worried about your safety. There is no crowd here; it’s an empty road in the middle of nowhere. It’s just you and the car and a gaping chasm in front of you.

You feel your heart sink, you gulp and then it stops; it’s all over. You adjust your eyes to the light – it a beautiful spring with flowers everywhere. You count your body parts. You are free. There are choices and paths in front of you. You don’t even remember to look behind as you pick a path and start ambling.

So why the jump? Because you reach a point in life when the only way forward is to crash and burn. Sure the jump might not work out that well all the time but there is nothing else to do. Maybe better choices would have led you elsewhere but once you are here and there is no going back then the smart thing to do is compose yourself, adjust your muffler, navigate the last turn, close your eyes and floor the pedal . . .