Thursday, April 5, 2018

Human


I have not written in a while. 5 years to be exact. I wonder if its a good thing or bad. As a teenager I thought age will bring clarity with it instead my thoughts are as muddled as ever. I don’t even know why I stopped. I have wanted to write from time to time but never quite gotten around to it. Perhaps it was a lack of courage. Perhaps it was an acceptance of not being good enough. Perhaps it was the realization of the futility of it all. Maybe it was just life itself; brutal, unforgiving, relentless.

The world is so heartbreaking right now. I do not remember it being this way when I was young but that could just be ignorance on my part. Maybe it was always this way. I did not witness the World Wars so my judgement might be completely incorrect. It could just be all the data that is so readily available through internet and social media; shining a bright light on the underbelly of the World.

There is the pace of it all as well; furious. No time to catch your breath. Social media does point a light but that light shifts so rapidly. There is no time to grieve. Everyone is looking for a narrative or to hijack a narrative; telling us when to grieve, how much to grieve, reminding us that we forgot to grieve, blaming us for grieving.

Then there is happiness. No time to savor it either. A facebook feed is a microcosm of it. In the same 5 minute scroll, 50 people died, a friend got married, a friend lost a newborn, someone got a promotion, a scandal was uncovered, a new charity initiative has been started. Should I put a sad smiley, say congrats, say I am sorry, do a wow smiley, do an angry smiley, give a thumbs up and move on? Should I do nothing at all? If I pick and choose - does that make me a bad person? 

Most importantly what should I feel doing all of that? There is no time to hold onto a feeling. No time to let it wash over you, to explore it, make sense of it. One does become desensitized to some degree, I know I have. Somewhere along the line a bomb explosion in Pakistan went from shocking to sad. How do you fight against it? What about the little matter of life itself? The splitting headache, the bill that is due at the end of the month, the promotion you just got, the joy of holding your child in your arms and witnessing the most pure smile in the world. Is it OK to get swept up in all of it? Can you manage all of it and achieve some semblance of balance? Should you be searching for balance anyway?

If we can still feel sometimes. If we can keep some level of perspective. If we still care, however little. If we can occasionally rise above our biases, however briefly. If at the end we have some humanity left. Perhaps that is OK. Might I suggest the survival of one’s conscience as a worthy goal to aspire to right now. 

If we can stop just before - I don’t care anymore. If we can bring some measure of happiness to our families and within our circle of influence, if we can still be polite and respectful, if we can listen to an opposing point of view and remain civil. If we can laugh at morons and avoid becoming one. If we can be human…

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Naya Pakistan


Today is 12th May 2013. Pakistan voted yesterday but more importantly Pakistan cared yesterday. I am now 26 years old and I have seen an Army dictator, a PPP government corrupt, beyond belief and Allah willing I am about to witness a PML N government with a pretty heavy mandate. I am not a very political person and I do not like debates. I did not post a single political message on my Facebook before today. I did not comment on or like a single political message on Facebook before today. I did go to vote and have been debating whether to write this since this morning.

I was undecided who to vote for even till the morning of the elections. I was oscillating between PTI and PML N. I do not wish to go into the reasons but lets just say I am not an inherently ‘jazbati’ person and I do not expect angels out of politicians and I respect the right of people to change their views over time, mature and learn from their mistakes. I do not see things in black and white and I like personal experience to dictate my choices whatever that may entail.

So to sum up my political views; I do not like Pervaiz Musharraf but I do not hate the man either. Compare him to the last PPP government and he starts to look pretty decent. However, the way he came into power was simply unacceptable and if he is hanged to make an example out of him I will not be too sad. I hate PPP and I hope they are completely wiped out of the country. As you can see a pretty balanced set of values I have there.

By now you are curious whom I voted for. I stumped for the BAT. Not because I was swept away by the tsunami but because Hamid Khan the PTI candidate is a much more decent man than Saad Rafique. But my choice was only slightly tilted towards PTI because I was genuinely afraid that voting for PTI would cause a clean split between the 3 parties and PPP will somehow maneuver itself back into the government. Boy was I glad that I voted for PTI because what happened next was just sickening.

Lets start at the beginning. I went to vote around 9:30 with my younger brother who was all giddy at the thought of change and Naya Pakistan and who was going to vote for the first time. We had no problem voting and were in and out in the sum total of 15 minutes and that too because he was very careful with his stamp and gave it a good minute and a half to dry so that it would not smudge and make his vote void. Five people from my house voted for PTI and my personal (eye-witness) experience was that at my polling station PTI was winning 80-20. I went to the polling station again around 12 with my friend and we found out that (visibly) PTI supporters were having issues entering the polling station. We stayed for 15 minutes and it was clear that something weird was happening because a lot of unhappy people were outside and PTI workers were trying to sort something out. One conversation I overheard myself from a PTI worker on the phone was “Sir kuch karein, Families vote dalay beghair wapis ja rahi hain” meaning “Sir, Please do something. Families are going back without casting their votes.” Another bystander narrated his story to my friend and me personally that he had been shuttling between two polling stations all morning and still been unable to cast his vote despite the official ECP message saying his vote was registered at my polling station. Anyways we left there and went to Z block defense just to experience the atmosphere somewhere else. Again the over riding feeling was that PTI supporters were outnumbering others about 70-30. Keep in mind that the supporters not visibly PTI could also be voting for PTI.

I went for asr prayers to my Mosque at 5:15 p.m. The Mosque is right opposite the polling station (Al-Munir Education Center). I came out around 5:30 p.m. and there was a huge commotion because despite repeated requests from the public the polling station had been closed. I knew from the news at home that polling time had been extended to 6 p.m. across Pakistan. While I stood there PTI supporters came with police officers and the gate was opened. I was still standing there when PML N supporters came with Muhafiz force and the polling station was tried to close again. I left and did not witness what happened next but I should venture that at least 30 minutes were wasted during all of this and a number of people left without voting.

Later at home news started coming in that Saad Rafique was involved in a huge incident at another polling station (S Block). That is the point where I felt relieved because I would have been gutted had I voted for a man with such behavior. I am certain that there was extreme rigging in NA 125 because I witnessed it personally. I do not wish to comment on others but here it is true. What really set by blood boiling was Saad Rafique on live television calm and serene denying everything with a face so straight you wouldn’t believe. I hope he is disqualified and he never runs in an election again but his confidence on live TV was tantamount to taunting as if he was saying. “Here I am. What can you do?”

I should add here that all of PML N is not Saad Rafique and to judge them on a single persons behavior would be unwise but I am not a supporter any more. The only way they get their respect back from me is if Saad Rafique and anyone else who is found to be involved with rigging is thrown out of the party. I can already hear the Jiyalas saying all of PML N would be thrown out that way but I have to respectfully disagree. A few sane PTI followers have pointed out that PTI did not expect to win from Sialkot, Gujranwala etc which means, that PML N still enjoys a heavy public mandate. Lets say they rigged 10 seats and all of them go to PTI. Doesn’t really change anything to be honest. In fact I’d rather that PML N has no excuses come next elections because like I said I am not a tsunami believer but I did see PPP completely disowned even by the jiayalas after their 5 year performance so there is hope and a lot of it. This is national politics; it cannot proceed at the speed of a 20-20 match.

For an hour or so I did lose hope. People like Saad Rafique can get away with anything? Is this the country we live in? But there is a protest going on in Defense, Lahore as we speak. The youth of this country is alive now. The only thing I wish to emphasize is that the revolution has started and if we stay the course a new Pakistan will emerge but if the dirty politicians outlast us and we go back to our online gaming and facebook then we have no one but ourselves to blame.

And the change should not be limited to politics and dancing on streets and blaring loud songs out of the back of your car. If you still cheat in your next exam then you do not believe in the Naya Pakistan. If you still violate the traffic signals then you do not believe in the Naya Pakistan. If you abuse Punjabis because they did not vote for PTI then you do not believe in the Naya Pakistan. Imran Khan has given us hope and given us a vision. That vision should not be limited to the corridors of politics and our speeches. That vision should have a physical manifestation in our lives because we are the next generation and if we stay the course and really believe in change then the corrupt polling officer will retire and the corrupt politician will pass on but we will still be here and we will make it happen.

So stop the judgment and the abuse and stop believing that anyone who did not vote for PTI is not smart enough. I know reasonable and well-educated people who voted for PML N. I almost voted for PML N. KPK voted for PTI so lets just burn the education argument right there. But like I said I tend to learn from my own experiences and so do other people. Let us see what PML N brings to the table and let us genuinely pray that they take the country in a positive direction. After PPP I do not think that is a very difficult task. It’s not all black and white. Change is already here because they were scared and they know beyond the shadow of a doubt that if they mess this up we have an alternative ready to take over.

PTI is the second most popular party in the country. It is a truly national party and it went toe to toe with MQM in Karachi. I must admit that was one of my major differences with Khan that he did not say anything to MQM but actions, speak louder than words. I do not believe that PTI is perfect and anyone who does will eventually be disappointed but I do believe that they now offer the best future to our country.

Imran Khan is not going anywhere and lets make sure that neither are we. Lets not sling mud and wallow. Lets start campaigning from today so that the next time elections come around we have that many more votes. I for my part will tell anyone who would listen that Saad Rafique is a thug and a low life and I am proud that I did not vote for him.

And yes if I suddenly disappear then it was still MQM :D

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Decisions and Failure


Decisions are scary. Even more so if your convictions are not that strong. I sometimes envy people who block out the world when making decisions and only think about themselves. Granted that being so self-centered might not be the best way to live life but it cuts through such huge amounts of bull shit that you almost start to think that it’s worth it. The absolute clarity one must have if there is only one variable to consider in every decision – Priceless!

Unfortunately, I am not wired that way. I tend to bring the whole universe under consideration while making decisions which leads to a very unpleasant milkshake of my brain. What I am slowly starting to learn is that you have to decide your priorities. Expectations are bound to collide and there are only so many points of view you can factor into your decisions so you have to let go of everything else. Caring, is a privilege that should not be offered to every Tom, Dick and Harry. It’s OK to be nice but not at the expense of personal happiness.

And when you have almost convinced yourself to put your personal happiness near the top of your priorities, the specter of failure rears its ugly head. Again failure is a curious phenomenon. On the one hand it can be an important ingredient of success and on the other it can be the biggest blocker to innovation and experimentation. 

From a personal point of view, failure made me realize that things can go wrong – horribly at times. You lose the feeling of invincibility and some teenage enthusiasm. The important thing is to not stay down but learn, adjust and experiment – wishful thinking. In the real world, without a security net you eventually lose the spark and compromise.

I might end up living a compromise – you never know. Talking (rather writing) is easy. Actually picking yourself up after every failure is much more difficult; even more scary – to keep taking risks in the face of self-doubt and failure. 

But I say to myself not yet – I can still take a little more! A few more failures, a few more bruises, a few more face down falls in the mud. Until I have exhausted the last iota of belief in my convictions I will keep looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. Here’s to learning from your mistakes and for me in particular not involving the whole universe while making decisions AND giving room to personal happiness somewhere in the decision making process.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

The fight for a smile


The fight for a smile
The fight of his life
The struggle for happiness
The struggle infinite
The search for serenity
The search of a fool

On a black night
In an empty world
On a winding road
A mad man alone

In the wrong time
Among related strangers
Trying to protect
A fool’s hope

With no clue
And a forsaken belief
In the shades of grey
Looking for black or white

In shifting sands
With a dying wish
A life flashes
Through empty eyes

No smile
No happiness
Infinity beckons
The wandering fool

Monday, April 30, 2012

The line that divides


They always talk about lines that divide; about fine margins that differentiate. Genius and madness, ambition and stupidity, success and failure . . .

Most of us have encountered those situations where we feel the presence of such lines, taunting us to really test their limits or forever wonder – “what if”. Most of us choose to forever wonder because we lack the finesse to really define the line, to actually see it and thus we are afraid of crossing over.

That is the catch to be honest, you have to risk it. You have to risk madness to achieve genius, risk failure to be successful but there is a catch inside the catch. Some people cross so far over, so many times that you cannot call it anything other than stupidity. To top it all off they fail and fail miserably but they get up, dust themselves down and do it all over again chalking all previous failures to bad luck or someone else.

They never see the line and maybe never even feel its presence but through some misjudged notion of bravado they want to test its limits. The problem is you cannot really test the limits if you haven’t the slightest idea where the line is. And when you have to fall with these ‘perennial optimists’, every damn time it really irks. You can see it coming a million miles away but through the machinations of fate or fear of failure you are not in charge and all that is left to be done is to brace for impact.

Now for the real question, do you choose to go your own separate way or do you keep crashing with someone else. If you choose to leave then you are back to the first problem – risk failure for success. It’s all on you, no one else to take the blame; nowhere to hide with the whole world watching.

See the good thing about crashing because of someone else is that you never have to bear scrutiny. It is never your fault. No one will judge you – ah – the real reason we are afraid of pushing the limits – judgment. Very few of us are immune to what others think. There is always someone whose approval matters. Someone we want to take notice. As Sherlock Holmes said to Dr. Watson

“That's the problem with genius, John. It needs an audience.”

But with that audience, comes the possibility of judgment and not just any kind of judgment – en masse judgment. So not only do you have to be prepared for failure itself, you have to be prepared to wear the tag as well and that tag more than anything else is what makes us stop way over on the safe side of the line. We choose to spend a life in anonymity rather than risk ridicule. You have to risk it, there is no other way.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Life

It is such a weird race, we lose ourselves in it only to realize that we were dancing amongst smoke and mirrors, we were celebrating insignificance – it is life! Better men have tried to capture its fleeting nature and its flimsy promises, I am just writing because I feel like it.

We have even tried to master it, to bend it to our will but the best of us have failed. Some of our fantasies revolve around making it last longer but invariably these fantasies also include warnings about the monotony of having no end. I have no real thoughts on the matter to be honest; its finite – deal with it.

But how do you deal with life? It is so peculiar, so intriguing and so frivolous. Just when you feel you have something concrete – whoosh – it is gone leaving you wondering. Did I ever truly get hold of it? Was it a mirage? The speed at which it moves does not really leave room for a detailed inspection. Things, events and people gain and lose meaning at an alarming rate. Dreams fade, reappear and become pointless in the space of a few breaths. Ambitions are lost in small fleeting moments.

You never really get used to it, it always feels like there is a little more time until there isn’t and you have reached the full stop of the last paragraph of your life. There is no more writing after that. Speaking of writing you can never rewrite stuff. It is all one way traffic leading to the same conclusion albeit from different paths. To be frank you hardly ever read it either because even when science says the end is near we keep searching for that one last step.

Life also offers you a plethora of perspectives and it is alarming when you start to witness and feel things that you swore you would never accept or acknowledge. I guess it is one of the many ways in which life tries to humble you and warn you. Things change and if you are not holding on to something tightly or if your choice of support is not strong enough then there is no telling where you will end up when the winds let up for a bit and if you don’t pay heed to the warning and improve your choices then each successive punch will be worse than the last until you have no more strength to fight or to stand even.

Life can be subtle, it can be brutal – it can delight you, it can destroy you. It will offer you hope then snatch it. It will almost kill you but then leave you with that faint ray of light. Life can indulge you and it can be cruel but ultimately life will always end and that is the only important thing in my opinion. To stand a chance against life, to be able to take it all on the chin and still grin, to ride the vagaries of its mood you must always keep one thing in sight, The End.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

100 miles an hour

100 miles an hour, you are speeding along a road. The road goes nowhere; in fact it ends at the edge of a cliff. You compose yourself, adjust your foot on the pedal and continue. It’s not that you don’t know what’s about to come. You are as sure about the cliff as you are about day following night. It’s not a suicide attempt either. It’s just life and although it might seem that you are in control, you are not. It’s your car and it’s your foot on the pedal but that is just an illusion.

You have to fall; you need to fall because you need to move forward. There was a time when you had choices and other roads to travel but now there is just this one road; a road that ends at the precipice of a cliff. You look in the back view mirror but just to adjust your muffler. There is no point looking back now – it’s weirdly bland. You roll down the window to be greeted by the cold icy blast of the winter wind. You see your breath precipitating around you, for a split moment you forget everything. The car lurches, you hold the wheel tightly, role up the window and floor the pedal. Any minute now – there will be the familiar sinking feeling of falling freely . . .

You close your eyes as you navigate the last turn and the edge becomes visible on the horizon. You remember the first time you went cliff diving. It’s a very similar feeling – you have decided to jump but there is still that last bit of hesitancy so you close your eyes and leap. People stare at you in awe and despair, inspired by your courage but worried about your safety. There is no crowd here; it’s an empty road in the middle of nowhere. It’s just you and the car and a gaping chasm in front of you.

You feel your heart sink, you gulp and then it stops; it’s all over. You adjust your eyes to the light – it a beautiful spring with flowers everywhere. You count your body parts. You are free. There are choices and paths in front of you. You don’t even remember to look behind as you pick a path and start ambling.

So why the jump? Because you reach a point in life when the only way forward is to crash and burn. Sure the jump might not work out that well all the time but there is nothing else to do. Maybe better choices would have led you elsewhere but once you are here and there is no going back then the smart thing to do is compose yourself, adjust your muffler, navigate the last turn, close your eyes and floor the pedal . . .

Monday, October 24, 2011

I lost meaning

I lost meaning yesterday. Let me clarify. The carefully constructed picture in my head of my life was shattered. I would like to point out that this is not the first time this has happened. I was ambling towards some weird and abstract goals when suddenly there was no meaning to it all. I wish I could compare this to the rug being snatched from under your feet but in that scenario you fall on hard ground and you can begin again. When you lose meaning, there is no definite place where you can start from again. I imagine it’s like floating around in space in a suit that does not let you die and is fairly comfortable but you have nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

It is almost like getting a second perspective on things. You keep on doing the same things as you did before but there is no drive, no reason, and no satisfaction to be had from the accomplishment of your tasks. Interestingly enough, your actions, your responses and your gestures lose meaning. You smile because some part of your brain remembers that, smiling is the correct thing to do at the moment or rather that before you went crazy you would have smiled given the current circumstances. The problem is, for the life of me I cannot figure out the reasons hence the loss of meaning.

Everything seems different – empty. One would hope that with my history with this kind of thing, I would know by now what to do or at least be able to handle it better but every time it’s as empty and as cold as before. Sometimes it seems the intensity increases with each passing cycle.

What really drives me crazy is the silence inside my head. The cacophony of ideas, schemes and goals is no more. It is so quiet that you could hear a whisper even before it was uttered. The rainbow of colors is replaced by a dull black, the kind that wouldn’t thin or waver given a hundred years.

The outside world keeps revolving as it always did, it just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. You hear things and you see things but you cannot quite decipher them. The ability to make sense of it all is no more. Maybe the ability is there but the will is lost – I cannot be sure.

And now to the climax, the meaning comes back as surely as it goes away. If there is one thing I have learned it is that it does come back. However, that does not remove the fear that the next time it happens, I might not make it back. The real point apart from this is that, one could only lose meaning if that meaning was not completely correct. I would hope that if the meaning of all that you did was completely correct then you would not lose meaning like I do. That is what scares me the most, if it ultimately turns out that my interpretation of it all was off the mark, then would there still be enough time to make amends or would it be too late? Hell, is it already too late?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

How strong will you be on your worst day?

An event recently got me to thinking. How strong will you be on your worst day? The days when you feel invincible, when things are how they should be, when everything you touch turns to gold are easy to get through. However, in my experience the days that can leave lasting impressions are the ones where you find yourself walled in, unable to move or breathe; days where you can feel yourself slipping towards the gaping chasm of darkness; days where you desperately search for some sliver of happiness to hold on to.

All of us have had good and bad days. Usually, you get through the bad ones by focusing on the good ones. But what if you get a day where all hope is lost; a day where despite your best efforts there is nothing to hold on to. What will you become on that day? What will you do on that day?

The thought is scary. We all hope that we don’t encounter something beyond our endurance but that is just a hope. If that hope is futile and you find yourself at the precipice with nothing but darkness around you, will you survive?

The funny thing is that there is no way to prepare. You won’t know it until you are there and by then it might already be too late. It’s a simple question. How strong will you be on your worst day?

Friday, July 15, 2011

Were you paying attention?

Once again my thoughts are unclear. I once explained to a friend that you must let an idea form completely in your head before jotting it down albeit with the warning that not all ideas make it that far. Ironically, I have been grappling with that problem recently. I feel like I am losing important thoughts and that is why I have been trying to jot down those abstract and slightly malformed ideas. I am generally a fan of clarity but maybe capturing the abstract is the next step in learning to write. Only you can decide if this will make any sort of sense at the end.

I like to believe that I am a keen observer. And I guess if you pay even the slightest amount of attention to what goes around you then you might have wondered about the complexities of human motivation. The multitude of factors that push and pull us in all sort of directions are indeed interesting but what really astounds me is what goes on inside the mind before a decision is reached. I say this because of what I feel and go through every time I try to come to a decision. Yes, there are the snap judgements but when you sit down to weigh the pros and cons of doing something, so many things come up. In fact its an oversimplification to say that you just weigh pros and cons; you weigh so much more.

Observing is born out of curiosity. There is a distinction to be made here. There is the curiosity that killed the cat and then there is the one which does not lead to any end result. I am talking about the latter. Plain and simple curiosity. I try and use it to learn. There are so many things that one can learn just by paying attention. It is my opinion that "paying attention" is a quality that is being lost slowly but surely. And this brings me to my original thought. People are complex. Their motivations even more so. If you don't pay attention and more importantly if you are not patient then it is very possible that you will make gross misjudgements about people as well as life in general.

Linking this further, we stumble onto another ailment of the society. Their over eagerness to pass judgement, to brand and to stereotype people. It is crazy how passing judgement is now considered a sign of being forward thinking. Your personality and your convictions are questioned if you are not forthcoming and stinging in your judgements about everything under the sun. What does it achieve? So not only is it totally pointless to brand human beings that possess such multitude of motivations with a single brush, it is also rash. There is every chance that our judgements would be wrong simply because its hard enough to understand a single human being. Here we are claiming to understand hundreds, thousands or even millions of them.

A set of people can share goals and motivations, of that I have no doubt. They can be very similar but in my humble opinion they can never be identical. If I just look to my siblings, I can see so much difference. We have lived through most of the same stuff but so many little things are different. The eldest child is treated different, the smallest is treated different. And sometimes we take different paths from the same crossroads. This signifies two things. Firstly, that in identical circumstances people choose differently highlighting the power of what goes around in the head and secondly how two seemingly similar lives can be so very different.

Recently, my thoughts have been revolving around the little things and I guess this writing does that thought better justice than I have been able to do before. what I wish to highlight is that the little things are often what make the difference. Again taking the example of my siblings. In broad terms we have had similar luxuries but little things have had such profound differences on our personalities. In our haste brought about by this nonsensical rat race, we have slowly tuned our minds to just look at the highlights. The problem is that the "devil is in the detail".

We live in broad definitions as well. Big house equals success. The fine print that says a big house with happy people, living people, loving people is a success is no longer visible. We must at least aim for something tangible, something that makes sense. I try to explain this to others that when I look at the details something does not make sense and they stare back like zombies. When you have lived your whole life avoiding the fine print then off course it is going to be impossible to comprehend it now. We must have a goal that survives a detailed examination otherwise all the effort might be for nothing.

So much more to say that is floating around in my head but to wrap things up, do you know why you are doing what you are doing? If you died today or tomorrow, would you die happy and satisfied? Or is it that you are going to keep striving towards some abstract idea because you missed the fine print in the beginning and now you cannot bear to stop and re-evaluate? Have you touched other peoples lives in a way that matters? Or were you so concerned with the next paycheck that you forgot to pay attention? Have you ever tried to be compassionate? Or have you lost all track of compassion in your quest to succeed? Is there room in your life for sacrifice? Or do you subscribe to the global definition that "you must always snatch what you want"?

We live in a world today that is grotesque and twisted. There is proof out there that bulldozing your way through life works but my question is - Is it worth it? Is it enough? Were you paying attention or did "life" just pass you by?

Monday, July 4, 2011

Life just happens

Life just happens
It’s not pretty
It doesn’t wait
It doesn’t care

All I have is me
My convictions
My choices
Myself

Take that away
I have nothing
No purpose
No hope

I learn from
Your mistakes
Your lies
You

Don’t tell me
I am young
I don’t know
I can’t see

I have lived
Your dreams
Your nightmares
Your mistakes

I know about
Your failures
Your regrets
Your life

I can see
You are broken
Impulsive
And rash

I don’t want to
But I judge you
Because you
Force me to

Can’t you see?
We are different
Do you listen?
When I speak

I don’t want
What you want
My world is not
Black and white

I don’t judge
Like you judge
Nobody is perfect
You see

I don’t hate
Like you hate
People are complicated
I think

I don’t love
Like you love
It’s toxic
Sometimes

Will you please?
Open your eyes
Take a breath
And hear me

I have a story
I have 25 years
I have a voice
I have a view

Your failures are
Your, not mine
On your regrets
You should dine

There is a life
That happens
Let me face it
Leave me be . . .

Thursday, June 30, 2011

Today

Today, I feel like writing but I have nothing particular in mind. Some ideas are boiling beneath the surface but nothing very concrete. Don’t say I did not give you fair warning, this writing might not be that coherent.

I am a football fan. I am not sure when it happened exactly but I do know that up until the 99 cricket world cup I was not really into football. But things change – they have to. If memory serves me right, I was reluctant to play football at first. My father was the one who came up with the verdict (he lives to give verdicts and implement them) that cricket did not contain enough exercise. Like any good Pakistani worth his salt, I took this accusation very seriously and fought hard but alas, parents have a way of getting what they want – at least mine do. So my general frustration with Pakistani cricket and my father’s insistence on playing football slowly and steadily pushed me towards football.

It was a painful learning experience. Anyone who has played a bit of football knows that if you get a new player to play against, it’s like taking candy from a baby so for a good five years I distributed free candy. Ultimately my persistence paid off and I stopped looking like a complete idiot while playing. Mind you it was still comical but not embarrassing.

During my O and A-Levels I played in a lot of tournaments because of two reasons. One, there were only 11 players in the school. Two, I had mastered the art of not thinking of myself as David Beckham meaning that I stayed back when asked to stay back – which was all the time. Through all of this I kept taking baby steps in the right direction.

During my university, I was able to do the impossible and convert a number of people from cricket to football. The culmination of all my effort was a semi-final appearance and defeating the tournament organizers in the final football tournament I played in FAST. FAST saw me improve the most, simply because there was always a field available to play – well almost always. This is a huge problem in Lahore – you can’t find a decent place to play at. All the good ones cost you money and lets be serious you can’t pay to be playing daily – at least I can’t.

Near the end of my university education, I was invited to a ground in Defense Phase V by a friend. It was beautiful; lush green grass, perfect rectangular shape and empty. I mention all of this because I have played most of my football in dust and stones. Most grounds were triangular or pentagonal or something and all of them were filled with people – lots of people. So this was footballing paradise. I have been playing there to this day which means it has been around two years now. My game has come up in leaps and bounds. It now looks like I know what I am doing when I play football. They still don’t let me play up front but I guess not all of us can be Ronaldo.

Anyways, here comes the real sizzler. A few weeks ago, an ‘uncle’ came to the ground and argued for a good 20 minutes that we should not play here anymore, the reason being that his kid got hit by a football. This incident makes my blood boil on so many different levels that I can’t even begin. First of all, I don’t remember running to daddy every time I got a scratch. Secondly, daddy dearest did not feel the urge to bare his chest and scare away the offenders. Thirdly, people who think they can just come in a bully their way to success. There are a few other choice words I would like to use but let’s continue the story.

The uncle was alone and there were 20 of us so he naturally lost the argument. He had no answer to a simple query, where should we go? How many football fields do you know about? But off course this is Pakistan, the next time we went to play the ‘society-police’ came. No points for guessing who called them. Now a sizeable number of our players live in defense so we are pretty aware of the rules. The rules say that you cannot play in grounds where there is a track or there are children rides. Both of these don’t exist in the ground we play. Also wherever you are not allowed to play there is this big ass board placed to this effect. The society-police person who came looked dumbfounded himself. He kept repeating in his radio. “ these are defense residents, there is no track here and no one else is even present.” We could hear the replies on the walkie talkie and they were profound. “Bas aap band kerwa dein” meaning “Just get it stopped”. That is what I love about this country – common sense does not exist. In fact its singled out and annihilated.

This leads me to another question. What do they want us to do? Without trying to sound too full of myself, we are a group of 20 something year olds who are willing to spend their Saturday and Sunday evenings in a football field. We have been doing that for over 2 years now. All of us could spend this time in a multitude of Café’s and Sheesha lounges that have crept up all over Lahore. Better yet we could be spending this time smoking or indulging in other totally frivolous pursuits so why is it, that us playing football in an empty field is a problem? What do they want us to do?

The thing is my father is a doctor, he doesn’t have “PAWA” so to speak. I can’t call my uncle and ask him to set the Defense Authority straight. Even if I could, why should I? Why isn’t sound reasoning enough to convince someone? Because as the security guard who came to stop us said: “Sir, mein tau apni duty kar raha hoon.” Meaning “Sir, I am just doing my job.” The thing is we understand that, fighting him, arguing with him or insulting him will not solve anything. At worst he might lose his job because he wasn’t able to do what was asked and that is how it goes. Its all about who you know and how high up that person goes.

This reminds me of another thing. A few years ago, our neighbors sold their house. A serving army general bought the house and a few months later served us notice that we were encroaching upon his property. A 5 feet strip in our house belonged to him apparently. What happened was that the previous owners had built our side of the house for their sister so being family not much attention was paid to the exact dimensions. Now it turned out we had 5 feet more. I have no idea what actually happened. There were strong words said and there was a court case but ultimately one day they just smashed our wall down and built a new one 5 feet in. The Cantt. Regulations say that you must have 5 feet between your boundary wall and actual construction so naturally a whole side of the house then had to be reconstructed and what did the General do with those 5 feet. He grew grass on it. I have no words to express to you my anger at this. I mean 5 feet of grass – Aaarghhh . . .

The funny thing is that the General loved his grass and whenever the Cantt Board widened roads, the grass outside his house was never touched. He had to retire ultimately and the next time road construction came around his grass was massacred along with everyone else. Oh I could not wipe the smile of my face for days. But jokes aside that is how our country operates. I always say that we love our grand theories and schemes but these little things tell us much more about who we really are.

An empty ground, a five feet strip of land, the grass outside your house – little things that can give you profound lessons on life.