It is such a weird race, we lose ourselves in it only to realize that we were dancing amongst smoke and mirrors, we were celebrating insignificance – it is life! Better men have tried to capture its fleeting nature and its flimsy promises, I am just writing because I feel like it.
We have even tried to master it, to bend it to our will but the best of us have failed. Some of our fantasies revolve around making it last longer but invariably these fantasies also include warnings about the monotony of having no end. I have no real thoughts on the matter to be honest; its finite – deal with it.
But how do you deal with life? It is so peculiar, so intriguing and so frivolous. Just when you feel you have something concrete – whoosh – it is gone leaving you wondering. Did I ever truly get hold of it? Was it a mirage? The speed at which it moves does not really leave room for a detailed inspection. Things, events and people gain and lose meaning at an alarming rate. Dreams fade, reappear and become pointless in the space of a few breaths. Ambitions are lost in small fleeting moments.
You never really get used to it, it always feels like there is a little more time until there isn’t and you have reached the full stop of the last paragraph of your life. There is no more writing after that. Speaking of writing you can never rewrite stuff. It is all one way traffic leading to the same conclusion albeit from different paths. To be frank you hardly ever read it either because even when science says the end is near we keep searching for that one last step.
Life also offers you a plethora of perspectives and it is alarming when you start to witness and feel things that you swore you would never accept or acknowledge. I guess it is one of the many ways in which life tries to humble you and warn you. Things change and if you are not holding on to something tightly or if your choice of support is not strong enough then there is no telling where you will end up when the winds let up for a bit and if you don’t pay heed to the warning and improve your choices then each successive punch will be worse than the last until you have no more strength to fight or to stand even.
Life can be subtle, it can be brutal – it can delight you, it can destroy you. It will offer you hope then snatch it. It will almost kill you but then leave you with that faint ray of light. Life can indulge you and it can be cruel but ultimately life will always end and that is the only important thing in my opinion. To stand a chance against life, to be able to take it all on the chin and still grin, to ride the vagaries of its mood you must always keep one thing in sight, The End.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sunday, January 15, 2012
100 miles an hour
100 miles an hour, you are speeding along a road. The road goes nowhere; in fact it ends at the edge of a cliff. You compose yourself, adjust your foot on the pedal and continue. It’s not that you don’t know what’s about to come. You are as sure about the cliff as you are about day following night. It’s not a suicide attempt either. It’s just life and although it might seem that you are in control, you are not. It’s your car and it’s your foot on the pedal but that is just an illusion.
You have to fall; you need to fall because you need to move forward. There was a time when you had choices and other roads to travel but now there is just this one road; a road that ends at the precipice of a cliff. You look in the back view mirror but just to adjust your muffler. There is no point looking back now – it’s weirdly bland. You roll down the window to be greeted by the cold icy blast of the winter wind. You see your breath precipitating around you, for a split moment you forget everything. The car lurches, you hold the wheel tightly, role up the window and floor the pedal. Any minute now – there will be the familiar sinking feeling of falling freely . . .
You close your eyes as you navigate the last turn and the edge becomes visible on the horizon. You remember the first time you went cliff diving. It’s a very similar feeling – you have decided to jump but there is still that last bit of hesitancy so you close your eyes and leap. People stare at you in awe and despair, inspired by your courage but worried about your safety. There is no crowd here; it’s an empty road in the middle of nowhere. It’s just you and the car and a gaping chasm in front of you.
You feel your heart sink, you gulp and then it stops; it’s all over. You adjust your eyes to the light – it a beautiful spring with flowers everywhere. You count your body parts. You are free. There are choices and paths in front of you. You don’t even remember to look behind as you pick a path and start ambling.
So why the jump? Because you reach a point in life when the only way forward is to crash and burn. Sure the jump might not work out that well all the time but there is nothing else to do. Maybe better choices would have led you elsewhere but once you are here and there is no going back then the smart thing to do is compose yourself, adjust your muffler, navigate the last turn, close your eyes and floor the pedal . . .
You have to fall; you need to fall because you need to move forward. There was a time when you had choices and other roads to travel but now there is just this one road; a road that ends at the precipice of a cliff. You look in the back view mirror but just to adjust your muffler. There is no point looking back now – it’s weirdly bland. You roll down the window to be greeted by the cold icy blast of the winter wind. You see your breath precipitating around you, for a split moment you forget everything. The car lurches, you hold the wheel tightly, role up the window and floor the pedal. Any minute now – there will be the familiar sinking feeling of falling freely . . .
You close your eyes as you navigate the last turn and the edge becomes visible on the horizon. You remember the first time you went cliff diving. It’s a very similar feeling – you have decided to jump but there is still that last bit of hesitancy so you close your eyes and leap. People stare at you in awe and despair, inspired by your courage but worried about your safety. There is no crowd here; it’s an empty road in the middle of nowhere. It’s just you and the car and a gaping chasm in front of you.
You feel your heart sink, you gulp and then it stops; it’s all over. You adjust your eyes to the light – it a beautiful spring with flowers everywhere. You count your body parts. You are free. There are choices and paths in front of you. You don’t even remember to look behind as you pick a path and start ambling.
So why the jump? Because you reach a point in life when the only way forward is to crash and burn. Sure the jump might not work out that well all the time but there is nothing else to do. Maybe better choices would have led you elsewhere but once you are here and there is no going back then the smart thing to do is compose yourself, adjust your muffler, navigate the last turn, close your eyes and floor the pedal . . .
Monday, October 24, 2011
I lost meaning
I lost meaning yesterday. Let me clarify. The carefully constructed picture in my head of my life was shattered. I would like to point out that this is not the first time this has happened. I was ambling towards some weird and abstract goals when suddenly there was no meaning to it all. I wish I could compare this to the rug being snatched from under your feet but in that scenario you fall on hard ground and you can begin again. When you lose meaning, there is no definite place where you can start from again. I imagine it’s like floating around in space in a suit that does not let you die and is fairly comfortable but you have nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.
It is almost like getting a second perspective on things. You keep on doing the same things as you did before but there is no drive, no reason, and no satisfaction to be had from the accomplishment of your tasks. Interestingly enough, your actions, your responses and your gestures lose meaning. You smile because some part of your brain remembers that, smiling is the correct thing to do at the moment or rather that before you went crazy you would have smiled given the current circumstances. The problem is, for the life of me I cannot figure out the reasons hence the loss of meaning.
Everything seems different – empty. One would hope that with my history with this kind of thing, I would know by now what to do or at least be able to handle it better but every time it’s as empty and as cold as before. Sometimes it seems the intensity increases with each passing cycle.
What really drives me crazy is the silence inside my head. The cacophony of ideas, schemes and goals is no more. It is so quiet that you could hear a whisper even before it was uttered. The rainbow of colors is replaced by a dull black, the kind that wouldn’t thin or waver given a hundred years.
The outside world keeps revolving as it always did, it just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. You hear things and you see things but you cannot quite decipher them. The ability to make sense of it all is no more. Maybe the ability is there but the will is lost – I cannot be sure.
And now to the climax, the meaning comes back as surely as it goes away. If there is one thing I have learned it is that it does come back. However, that does not remove the fear that the next time it happens, I might not make it back. The real point apart from this is that, one could only lose meaning if that meaning was not completely correct. I would hope that if the meaning of all that you did was completely correct then you would not lose meaning like I do. That is what scares me the most, if it ultimately turns out that my interpretation of it all was off the mark, then would there still be enough time to make amends or would it be too late? Hell, is it already too late?
It is almost like getting a second perspective on things. You keep on doing the same things as you did before but there is no drive, no reason, and no satisfaction to be had from the accomplishment of your tasks. Interestingly enough, your actions, your responses and your gestures lose meaning. You smile because some part of your brain remembers that, smiling is the correct thing to do at the moment or rather that before you went crazy you would have smiled given the current circumstances. The problem is, for the life of me I cannot figure out the reasons hence the loss of meaning.
Everything seems different – empty. One would hope that with my history with this kind of thing, I would know by now what to do or at least be able to handle it better but every time it’s as empty and as cold as before. Sometimes it seems the intensity increases with each passing cycle.
What really drives me crazy is the silence inside my head. The cacophony of ideas, schemes and goals is no more. It is so quiet that you could hear a whisper even before it was uttered. The rainbow of colors is replaced by a dull black, the kind that wouldn’t thin or waver given a hundred years.
The outside world keeps revolving as it always did, it just doesn’t seem to matter anymore. You hear things and you see things but you cannot quite decipher them. The ability to make sense of it all is no more. Maybe the ability is there but the will is lost – I cannot be sure.
And now to the climax, the meaning comes back as surely as it goes away. If there is one thing I have learned it is that it does come back. However, that does not remove the fear that the next time it happens, I might not make it back. The real point apart from this is that, one could only lose meaning if that meaning was not completely correct. I would hope that if the meaning of all that you did was completely correct then you would not lose meaning like I do. That is what scares me the most, if it ultimately turns out that my interpretation of it all was off the mark, then would there still be enough time to make amends or would it be too late? Hell, is it already too late?
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
How strong will you be on your worst day?
An event recently got me to thinking. How strong will you be on your worst day? The days when you feel invincible, when things are how they should be, when everything you touch turns to gold are easy to get through. However, in my experience the days that can leave lasting impressions are the ones where you find yourself walled in, unable to move or breathe; days where you can feel yourself slipping towards the gaping chasm of darkness; days where you desperately search for some sliver of happiness to hold on to.
All of us have had good and bad days. Usually, you get through the bad ones by focusing on the good ones. But what if you get a day where all hope is lost; a day where despite your best efforts there is nothing to hold on to. What will you become on that day? What will you do on that day?
The thought is scary. We all hope that we don’t encounter something beyond our endurance but that is just a hope. If that hope is futile and you find yourself at the precipice with nothing but darkness around you, will you survive?
The funny thing is that there is no way to prepare. You won’t know it until you are there and by then it might already be too late. It’s a simple question. How strong will you be on your worst day?
All of us have had good and bad days. Usually, you get through the bad ones by focusing on the good ones. But what if you get a day where all hope is lost; a day where despite your best efforts there is nothing to hold on to. What will you become on that day? What will you do on that day?
The thought is scary. We all hope that we don’t encounter something beyond our endurance but that is just a hope. If that hope is futile and you find yourself at the precipice with nothing but darkness around you, will you survive?
The funny thing is that there is no way to prepare. You won’t know it until you are there and by then it might already be too late. It’s a simple question. How strong will you be on your worst day?
Friday, July 15, 2011
Were you paying attention?
Once again my thoughts are unclear. I once explained to a friend that you must let an idea form completely in your head before jotting it down albeit with the warning that not all ideas make it that far. Ironically, I have been grappling with that problem recently. I feel like I am losing important thoughts and that is why I have been trying to jot down those abstract and slightly malformed ideas. I am generally a fan of clarity but maybe capturing the abstract is the next step in learning to write. Only you can decide if this will make any sort of sense at the end.
I like to believe that I am a keen observer. And I guess if you pay even the slightest amount of attention to what goes around you then you might have wondered about the complexities of human motivation. The multitude of factors that push and pull us in all sort of directions are indeed interesting but what really astounds me is what goes on inside the mind before a decision is reached. I say this because of what I feel and go through every time I try to come to a decision. Yes, there are the snap judgements but when you sit down to weigh the pros and cons of doing something, so many things come up. In fact its an oversimplification to say that you just weigh pros and cons; you weigh so much more.
Observing is born out of curiosity. There is a distinction to be made here. There is the curiosity that killed the cat and then there is the one which does not lead to any end result. I am talking about the latter. Plain and simple curiosity. I try and use it to learn. There are so many things that one can learn just by paying attention. It is my opinion that "paying attention" is a quality that is being lost slowly but surely. And this brings me to my original thought. People are complex. Their motivations even more so. If you don't pay attention and more importantly if you are not patient then it is very possible that you will make gross misjudgements about people as well as life in general.
Linking this further, we stumble onto another ailment of the society. Their over eagerness to pass judgement, to brand and to stereotype people. It is crazy how passing judgement is now considered a sign of being forward thinking. Your personality and your convictions are questioned if you are not forthcoming and stinging in your judgements about everything under the sun. What does it achieve? So not only is it totally pointless to brand human beings that possess such multitude of motivations with a single brush, it is also rash. There is every chance that our judgements would be wrong simply because its hard enough to understand a single human being. Here we are claiming to understand hundreds, thousands or even millions of them.
A set of people can share goals and motivations, of that I have no doubt. They can be very similar but in my humble opinion they can never be identical. If I just look to my siblings, I can see so much difference. We have lived through most of the same stuff but so many little things are different. The eldest child is treated different, the smallest is treated different. And sometimes we take different paths from the same crossroads. This signifies two things. Firstly, that in identical circumstances people choose differently highlighting the power of what goes around in the head and secondly how two seemingly similar lives can be so very different.
Recently, my thoughts have been revolving around the little things and I guess this writing does that thought better justice than I have been able to do before. what I wish to highlight is that the little things are often what make the difference. Again taking the example of my siblings. In broad terms we have had similar luxuries but little things have had such profound differences on our personalities. In our haste brought about by this nonsensical rat race, we have slowly tuned our minds to just look at the highlights. The problem is that the "devil is in the detail".
We live in broad definitions as well. Big house equals success. The fine print that says a big house with happy people, living people, loving people is a success is no longer visible. We must at least aim for something tangible, something that makes sense. I try to explain this to others that when I look at the details something does not make sense and they stare back like zombies. When you have lived your whole life avoiding the fine print then off course it is going to be impossible to comprehend it now. We must have a goal that survives a detailed examination otherwise all the effort might be for nothing.
So much more to say that is floating around in my head but to wrap things up, do you know why you are doing what you are doing? If you died today or tomorrow, would you die happy and satisfied? Or is it that you are going to keep striving towards some abstract idea because you missed the fine print in the beginning and now you cannot bear to stop and re-evaluate? Have you touched other peoples lives in a way that matters? Or were you so concerned with the next paycheck that you forgot to pay attention? Have you ever tried to be compassionate? Or have you lost all track of compassion in your quest to succeed? Is there room in your life for sacrifice? Or do you subscribe to the global definition that "you must always snatch what you want"?
We live in a world today that is grotesque and twisted. There is proof out there that bulldozing your way through life works but my question is - Is it worth it? Is it enough? Were you paying attention or did "life" just pass you by?
I like to believe that I am a keen observer. And I guess if you pay even the slightest amount of attention to what goes around you then you might have wondered about the complexities of human motivation. The multitude of factors that push and pull us in all sort of directions are indeed interesting but what really astounds me is what goes on inside the mind before a decision is reached. I say this because of what I feel and go through every time I try to come to a decision. Yes, there are the snap judgements but when you sit down to weigh the pros and cons of doing something, so many things come up. In fact its an oversimplification to say that you just weigh pros and cons; you weigh so much more.
Observing is born out of curiosity. There is a distinction to be made here. There is the curiosity that killed the cat and then there is the one which does not lead to any end result. I am talking about the latter. Plain and simple curiosity. I try and use it to learn. There are so many things that one can learn just by paying attention. It is my opinion that "paying attention" is a quality that is being lost slowly but surely. And this brings me to my original thought. People are complex. Their motivations even more so. If you don't pay attention and more importantly if you are not patient then it is very possible that you will make gross misjudgements about people as well as life in general.
Linking this further, we stumble onto another ailment of the society. Their over eagerness to pass judgement, to brand and to stereotype people. It is crazy how passing judgement is now considered a sign of being forward thinking. Your personality and your convictions are questioned if you are not forthcoming and stinging in your judgements about everything under the sun. What does it achieve? So not only is it totally pointless to brand human beings that possess such multitude of motivations with a single brush, it is also rash. There is every chance that our judgements would be wrong simply because its hard enough to understand a single human being. Here we are claiming to understand hundreds, thousands or even millions of them.
A set of people can share goals and motivations, of that I have no doubt. They can be very similar but in my humble opinion they can never be identical. If I just look to my siblings, I can see so much difference. We have lived through most of the same stuff but so many little things are different. The eldest child is treated different, the smallest is treated different. And sometimes we take different paths from the same crossroads. This signifies two things. Firstly, that in identical circumstances people choose differently highlighting the power of what goes around in the head and secondly how two seemingly similar lives can be so very different.
Recently, my thoughts have been revolving around the little things and I guess this writing does that thought better justice than I have been able to do before. what I wish to highlight is that the little things are often what make the difference. Again taking the example of my siblings. In broad terms we have had similar luxuries but little things have had such profound differences on our personalities. In our haste brought about by this nonsensical rat race, we have slowly tuned our minds to just look at the highlights. The problem is that the "devil is in the detail".
We live in broad definitions as well. Big house equals success. The fine print that says a big house with happy people, living people, loving people is a success is no longer visible. We must at least aim for something tangible, something that makes sense. I try to explain this to others that when I look at the details something does not make sense and they stare back like zombies. When you have lived your whole life avoiding the fine print then off course it is going to be impossible to comprehend it now. We must have a goal that survives a detailed examination otherwise all the effort might be for nothing.
So much more to say that is floating around in my head but to wrap things up, do you know why you are doing what you are doing? If you died today or tomorrow, would you die happy and satisfied? Or is it that you are going to keep striving towards some abstract idea because you missed the fine print in the beginning and now you cannot bear to stop and re-evaluate? Have you touched other peoples lives in a way that matters? Or were you so concerned with the next paycheck that you forgot to pay attention? Have you ever tried to be compassionate? Or have you lost all track of compassion in your quest to succeed? Is there room in your life for sacrifice? Or do you subscribe to the global definition that "you must always snatch what you want"?
We live in a world today that is grotesque and twisted. There is proof out there that bulldozing your way through life works but my question is - Is it worth it? Is it enough? Were you paying attention or did "life" just pass you by?
Monday, July 4, 2011
Life just happens
Life just happens
It’s not pretty
It doesn’t wait
It doesn’t care
All I have is me
My convictions
My choices
Myself
Take that away
I have nothing
No purpose
No hope
I learn from
Your mistakes
Your lies
You
Don’t tell me
I am young
I don’t know
I can’t see
I have lived
Your dreams
Your nightmares
Your mistakes
I know about
Your failures
Your regrets
Your life
I can see
You are broken
Impulsive
And rash
I don’t want to
But I judge you
Because you
Force me to
Can’t you see?
We are different
Do you listen?
When I speak
I don’t want
What you want
My world is not
Black and white
I don’t judge
Like you judge
Nobody is perfect
You see
I don’t hate
Like you hate
People are complicated
I think
I don’t love
Like you love
It’s toxic
Sometimes
Will you please?
Open your eyes
Take a breath
And hear me
I have a story
I have 25 years
I have a voice
I have a view
Your failures are
Your, not mine
On your regrets
You should dine
There is a life
That happens
Let me face it
Leave me be . . .
It’s not pretty
It doesn’t wait
It doesn’t care
All I have is me
My convictions
My choices
Myself
Take that away
I have nothing
No purpose
No hope
I learn from
Your mistakes
Your lies
You
Don’t tell me
I am young
I don’t know
I can’t see
I have lived
Your dreams
Your nightmares
Your mistakes
I know about
Your failures
Your regrets
Your life
I can see
You are broken
Impulsive
And rash
I don’t want to
But I judge you
Because you
Force me to
Can’t you see?
We are different
Do you listen?
When I speak
I don’t want
What you want
My world is not
Black and white
I don’t judge
Like you judge
Nobody is perfect
You see
I don’t hate
Like you hate
People are complicated
I think
I don’t love
Like you love
It’s toxic
Sometimes
Will you please?
Open your eyes
Take a breath
And hear me
I have a story
I have 25 years
I have a voice
I have a view
Your failures are
Your, not mine
On your regrets
You should dine
There is a life
That happens
Let me face it
Leave me be . . .
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Today
Today, I feel like writing but I have nothing particular in mind. Some ideas are boiling beneath the surface but nothing very concrete. Don’t say I did not give you fair warning, this writing might not be that coherent.
I am a football fan. I am not sure when it happened exactly but I do know that up until the 99 cricket world cup I was not really into football. But things change – they have to. If memory serves me right, I was reluctant to play football at first. My father was the one who came up with the verdict (he lives to give verdicts and implement them) that cricket did not contain enough exercise. Like any good Pakistani worth his salt, I took this accusation very seriously and fought hard but alas, parents have a way of getting what they want – at least mine do. So my general frustration with Pakistani cricket and my father’s insistence on playing football slowly and steadily pushed me towards football.
It was a painful learning experience. Anyone who has played a bit of football knows that if you get a new player to play against, it’s like taking candy from a baby so for a good five years I distributed free candy. Ultimately my persistence paid off and I stopped looking like a complete idiot while playing. Mind you it was still comical but not embarrassing.
During my O and A-Levels I played in a lot of tournaments because of two reasons. One, there were only 11 players in the school. Two, I had mastered the art of not thinking of myself as David Beckham meaning that I stayed back when asked to stay back – which was all the time. Through all of this I kept taking baby steps in the right direction.
During my university, I was able to do the impossible and convert a number of people from cricket to football. The culmination of all my effort was a semi-final appearance and defeating the tournament organizers in the final football tournament I played in FAST. FAST saw me improve the most, simply because there was always a field available to play – well almost always. This is a huge problem in Lahore – you can’t find a decent place to play at. All the good ones cost you money and lets be serious you can’t pay to be playing daily – at least I can’t.
Near the end of my university education, I was invited to a ground in Defense Phase V by a friend. It was beautiful; lush green grass, perfect rectangular shape and empty. I mention all of this because I have played most of my football in dust and stones. Most grounds were triangular or pentagonal or something and all of them were filled with people – lots of people. So this was footballing paradise. I have been playing there to this day which means it has been around two years now. My game has come up in leaps and bounds. It now looks like I know what I am doing when I play football. They still don’t let me play up front but I guess not all of us can be Ronaldo.
Anyways, here comes the real sizzler. A few weeks ago, an ‘uncle’ came to the ground and argued for a good 20 minutes that we should not play here anymore, the reason being that his kid got hit by a football. This incident makes my blood boil on so many different levels that I can’t even begin. First of all, I don’t remember running to daddy every time I got a scratch. Secondly, daddy dearest did not feel the urge to bare his chest and scare away the offenders. Thirdly, people who think they can just come in a bully their way to success. There are a few other choice words I would like to use but let’s continue the story.
The uncle was alone and there were 20 of us so he naturally lost the argument. He had no answer to a simple query, where should we go? How many football fields do you know about? But off course this is Pakistan, the next time we went to play the ‘society-police’ came. No points for guessing who called them. Now a sizeable number of our players live in defense so we are pretty aware of the rules. The rules say that you cannot play in grounds where there is a track or there are children rides. Both of these don’t exist in the ground we play. Also wherever you are not allowed to play there is this big ass board placed to this effect. The society-police person who came looked dumbfounded himself. He kept repeating in his radio. “ these are defense residents, there is no track here and no one else is even present.” We could hear the replies on the walkie talkie and they were profound. “Bas aap band kerwa dein” meaning “Just get it stopped”. That is what I love about this country – common sense does not exist. In fact its singled out and annihilated.
This leads me to another question. What do they want us to do? Without trying to sound too full of myself, we are a group of 20 something year olds who are willing to spend their Saturday and Sunday evenings in a football field. We have been doing that for over 2 years now. All of us could spend this time in a multitude of Café’s and Sheesha lounges that have crept up all over Lahore. Better yet we could be spending this time smoking or indulging in other totally frivolous pursuits so why is it, that us playing football in an empty field is a problem? What do they want us to do?
The thing is my father is a doctor, he doesn’t have “PAWA” so to speak. I can’t call my uncle and ask him to set the Defense Authority straight. Even if I could, why should I? Why isn’t sound reasoning enough to convince someone? Because as the security guard who came to stop us said: “Sir, mein tau apni duty kar raha hoon.” Meaning “Sir, I am just doing my job.” The thing is we understand that, fighting him, arguing with him or insulting him will not solve anything. At worst he might lose his job because he wasn’t able to do what was asked and that is how it goes. Its all about who you know and how high up that person goes.
This reminds me of another thing. A few years ago, our neighbors sold their house. A serving army general bought the house and a few months later served us notice that we were encroaching upon his property. A 5 feet strip in our house belonged to him apparently. What happened was that the previous owners had built our side of the house for their sister so being family not much attention was paid to the exact dimensions. Now it turned out we had 5 feet more. I have no idea what actually happened. There were strong words said and there was a court case but ultimately one day they just smashed our wall down and built a new one 5 feet in. The Cantt. Regulations say that you must have 5 feet between your boundary wall and actual construction so naturally a whole side of the house then had to be reconstructed and what did the General do with those 5 feet. He grew grass on it. I have no words to express to you my anger at this. I mean 5 feet of grass – Aaarghhh . . .
The funny thing is that the General loved his grass and whenever the Cantt Board widened roads, the grass outside his house was never touched. He had to retire ultimately and the next time road construction came around his grass was massacred along with everyone else. Oh I could not wipe the smile of my face for days. But jokes aside that is how our country operates. I always say that we love our grand theories and schemes but these little things tell us much more about who we really are.
An empty ground, a five feet strip of land, the grass outside your house – little things that can give you profound lessons on life.
I am a football fan. I am not sure when it happened exactly but I do know that up until the 99 cricket world cup I was not really into football. But things change – they have to. If memory serves me right, I was reluctant to play football at first. My father was the one who came up with the verdict (he lives to give verdicts and implement them) that cricket did not contain enough exercise. Like any good Pakistani worth his salt, I took this accusation very seriously and fought hard but alas, parents have a way of getting what they want – at least mine do. So my general frustration with Pakistani cricket and my father’s insistence on playing football slowly and steadily pushed me towards football.
It was a painful learning experience. Anyone who has played a bit of football knows that if you get a new player to play against, it’s like taking candy from a baby so for a good five years I distributed free candy. Ultimately my persistence paid off and I stopped looking like a complete idiot while playing. Mind you it was still comical but not embarrassing.
During my O and A-Levels I played in a lot of tournaments because of two reasons. One, there were only 11 players in the school. Two, I had mastered the art of not thinking of myself as David Beckham meaning that I stayed back when asked to stay back – which was all the time. Through all of this I kept taking baby steps in the right direction.
During my university, I was able to do the impossible and convert a number of people from cricket to football. The culmination of all my effort was a semi-final appearance and defeating the tournament organizers in the final football tournament I played in FAST. FAST saw me improve the most, simply because there was always a field available to play – well almost always. This is a huge problem in Lahore – you can’t find a decent place to play at. All the good ones cost you money and lets be serious you can’t pay to be playing daily – at least I can’t.
Near the end of my university education, I was invited to a ground in Defense Phase V by a friend. It was beautiful; lush green grass, perfect rectangular shape and empty. I mention all of this because I have played most of my football in dust and stones. Most grounds were triangular or pentagonal or something and all of them were filled with people – lots of people. So this was footballing paradise. I have been playing there to this day which means it has been around two years now. My game has come up in leaps and bounds. It now looks like I know what I am doing when I play football. They still don’t let me play up front but I guess not all of us can be Ronaldo.
Anyways, here comes the real sizzler. A few weeks ago, an ‘uncle’ came to the ground and argued for a good 20 minutes that we should not play here anymore, the reason being that his kid got hit by a football. This incident makes my blood boil on so many different levels that I can’t even begin. First of all, I don’t remember running to daddy every time I got a scratch. Secondly, daddy dearest did not feel the urge to bare his chest and scare away the offenders. Thirdly, people who think they can just come in a bully their way to success. There are a few other choice words I would like to use but let’s continue the story.
The uncle was alone and there were 20 of us so he naturally lost the argument. He had no answer to a simple query, where should we go? How many football fields do you know about? But off course this is Pakistan, the next time we went to play the ‘society-police’ came. No points for guessing who called them. Now a sizeable number of our players live in defense so we are pretty aware of the rules. The rules say that you cannot play in grounds where there is a track or there are children rides. Both of these don’t exist in the ground we play. Also wherever you are not allowed to play there is this big ass board placed to this effect. The society-police person who came looked dumbfounded himself. He kept repeating in his radio. “ these are defense residents, there is no track here and no one else is even present.” We could hear the replies on the walkie talkie and they were profound. “Bas aap band kerwa dein” meaning “Just get it stopped”. That is what I love about this country – common sense does not exist. In fact its singled out and annihilated.
This leads me to another question. What do they want us to do? Without trying to sound too full of myself, we are a group of 20 something year olds who are willing to spend their Saturday and Sunday evenings in a football field. We have been doing that for over 2 years now. All of us could spend this time in a multitude of Café’s and Sheesha lounges that have crept up all over Lahore. Better yet we could be spending this time smoking or indulging in other totally frivolous pursuits so why is it, that us playing football in an empty field is a problem? What do they want us to do?
The thing is my father is a doctor, he doesn’t have “PAWA” so to speak. I can’t call my uncle and ask him to set the Defense Authority straight. Even if I could, why should I? Why isn’t sound reasoning enough to convince someone? Because as the security guard who came to stop us said: “Sir, mein tau apni duty kar raha hoon.” Meaning “Sir, I am just doing my job.” The thing is we understand that, fighting him, arguing with him or insulting him will not solve anything. At worst he might lose his job because he wasn’t able to do what was asked and that is how it goes. Its all about who you know and how high up that person goes.
This reminds me of another thing. A few years ago, our neighbors sold their house. A serving army general bought the house and a few months later served us notice that we were encroaching upon his property. A 5 feet strip in our house belonged to him apparently. What happened was that the previous owners had built our side of the house for their sister so being family not much attention was paid to the exact dimensions. Now it turned out we had 5 feet more. I have no idea what actually happened. There were strong words said and there was a court case but ultimately one day they just smashed our wall down and built a new one 5 feet in. The Cantt. Regulations say that you must have 5 feet between your boundary wall and actual construction so naturally a whole side of the house then had to be reconstructed and what did the General do with those 5 feet. He grew grass on it. I have no words to express to you my anger at this. I mean 5 feet of grass – Aaarghhh . . .
The funny thing is that the General loved his grass and whenever the Cantt Board widened roads, the grass outside his house was never touched. He had to retire ultimately and the next time road construction came around his grass was massacred along with everyone else. Oh I could not wipe the smile of my face for days. But jokes aside that is how our country operates. I always say that we love our grand theories and schemes but these little things tell us much more about who we really are.
An empty ground, a five feet strip of land, the grass outside your house – little things that can give you profound lessons on life.
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