Decisions are scary. Even more so if your convictions are
not that strong. I sometimes envy people who block out the world when making
decisions and only think about themselves. Granted that being so self-centered
might not be the best way to live life but it cuts through such huge amounts of
bull shit that you almost start to think that it’s worth it. The absolute
clarity one must have if there is only one variable to consider in every
decision – Priceless!
Unfortunately, I am not wired that way. I tend to bring the
whole universe under consideration while making decisions which leads to a very
unpleasant milkshake of my brain. What I am slowly starting to learn is that
you have to decide your priorities. Expectations are bound to collide and there
are only so many points of view you can factor into your decisions so you have
to let go of everything else. Caring, is a privilege that should not be offered
to every Tom, Dick and Harry. It’s OK to be nice but not at the expense of
personal happiness.
And when you have almost convinced yourself to put your
personal happiness near the top of your priorities, the specter of failure rears
its ugly head. Again failure is a curious phenomenon. On the one hand it can be
an important ingredient of success and on the other it can be the biggest
blocker to innovation and experimentation.
From a personal point of view, failure made me realize that
things can go wrong – horribly at times. You lose the feeling of invincibility
and some teenage enthusiasm. The important thing is to not stay down but learn,
adjust and experiment – wishful thinking. In the real world, without a security
net you eventually lose the spark and compromise.
I might end up living a compromise – you never know. Talking
(rather writing) is easy. Actually picking yourself up after every failure is
much more difficult; even more scary – to keep taking risks in the face of self-doubt
and failure.
But I say to myself not yet – I can still take a little
more! A few more failures, a few more bruises, a few more face down falls in
the mud. Until I have exhausted the last iota of belief in my convictions I
will keep looking at the world through rose tinted glasses. Here’s to learning
from your mistakes and for me in particular not involving the whole universe
while making decisions AND giving room to personal happiness somewhere in the
decision making process.
