I have not written in a while. 5 years to be exact. I wonder if its a good thing or bad. As a teenager I thought age will bring clarity with it instead my thoughts are as muddled as ever. I don’t even know why I stopped. I have wanted to write from time to time but never quite gotten around to it. Perhaps it was a lack of courage. Perhaps it was an acceptance of not being good enough. Perhaps it was the realization of the futility of it all. Maybe it was just life itself; brutal, unforgiving, relentless.
The world is so heartbreaking right now. I do not remember it being this way when I was young but that could just be ignorance on my part. Maybe it was always this way. I did not witness the World Wars so my judgement might be completely incorrect. It could just be all the data that is so readily available through internet and social media; shining a bright light on the underbelly of the World.
There is the pace of it all as well; furious. No time to catch your breath. Social media does point a light but that light shifts so rapidly. There is no time to grieve. Everyone is looking for a narrative or to hijack a narrative; telling us when to grieve, how much to grieve, reminding us that we forgot to grieve, blaming us for grieving.
Then there is happiness. No time to savor it either. A facebook feed is a microcosm of it. In the same 5 minute scroll, 50 people died, a friend got married, a friend lost a newborn, someone got a promotion, a scandal was uncovered, a new charity initiative has been started. Should I put a sad smiley, say congrats, say I am sorry, do a wow smiley, do an angry smiley, give a thumbs up and move on? Should I do nothing at all? If I pick and choose - does that make me a bad person?
Most importantly what should I feel doing all of that? There is no time to hold onto a feeling. No time to let it wash over you, to explore it, make sense of it. One does become desensitized to some degree, I know I have. Somewhere along the line a bomb explosion in Pakistan went from shocking to sad. How do you fight against it? What about the little matter of life itself? The splitting headache, the bill that is due at the end of the month, the promotion you just got, the joy of holding your child in your arms and witnessing the most pure smile in the world. Is it OK to get swept up in all of it? Can you manage all of it and achieve some semblance of balance? Should you be searching for balance anyway?
If we can still feel sometimes. If we can keep some level of perspective. If we still care, however little. If we can occasionally rise above our biases, however briefly. If at the end we have some humanity left. Perhaps that is OK. Might I suggest the survival of one’s conscience as a worthy goal to aspire to right now.
If we can stop just before - I don’t care anymore. If we can bring some measure of happiness to our families and within our circle of influence, if we can still be polite and respectful, if we can listen to an opposing point of view and remain civil. If we can laugh at morons and avoid becoming one. If we can be human…
